"Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya, I hope you feel the same"
When I look into the mirror, sometimes I see a king.
Sometimes, I see a little boy.
Sometimes, I see nothing.
Sometimes, I see a monster..
Thinking about my alter egos. Maybe I don't have 19. Some of them overlap, and it's time I let some go because they harbor memories and emotions of bad periods of time within my life. But I'm staying right here biiiiiiiitch! Love, Charlie.
Honestly, I won't say how many (though it's too many to count on two hands), but I have had many potential love interests this summer, both male and female. Some of them are so small that they haven't even been mentioned on this blog. I feel that I am in a constant search for someone temporarily gratify my emotions. I fall hard and fast, and put myself into crazy situations. I guess because I've never had a real relationship, I don't really have standards as to how I wish to feel in said relationship, only what I DON'T want to feel. Complicated.
The Greek God has become a resource of insight in my life, and I bet he doesn't even realize it. I am continually stunned by the realizations he has given me. He helped me understand this: When I meet a straight person, I know that I want them to become one of the following: friend, love interest, or have nothing to do with them. With meeting a guy in the lgbt world, the friend option is eliminated. Josh and Justin are really my first and only gay friends. I believe that my strong friendship with Justin is what ultimately lead me to see him in this different light.
Speaking of which, Today I had breakfast with him. Wait, rewind. Tuesday night, I went to Plur and then the beach with him. He was accompanied by his friends Celine and Daniece. I really wanted to dance with him, but due to the club being shut down, I never had that opportunity. I did dance with Celine though, dude, she knew what she was doing. If she wasn't Justin's best friend, I'd probably try to see wassup. She's cute. Anyway, so that night was really awkward because I saw someone who I will call "Bible Boy" for privacy's sake and also Josehan. Seemed like wherever Justin and I went, there they were lol. I'm cool with Josehan, well actually our "friendship" is very sometimey. But just last week, I told Bible Boy I never wanted to talk to him again. (I felt like he was trying to get with me, I gave him that chance two months ago. Long Story. Irrelevant now.) It was SO obvious we were trying to avoid them because when Josehan came over to our table at the beach, Justin and I got up and left and walked on the beach. (Funny how Justin and I always seem to be doing things that couples do, such as go on dates and take walks on the beach). So then our group rejoined us and we went on the pier. As we stood there, Justin was talking to someone and said he had a boyfriend. I felt my motherfucking diaphragm,liver,and allat tear right out of my stomach.
"Oh you have a boyfriend?"
"Yeah..I was gonna tell you, but I never got a chance.."
We slowly start to leave the pier, and we pass Josehan and Bible Boy. I grab Justin's hand and walk by them, just because. I let go then he asks if I'm upset. I CLEARLY am. But I lie and say no. Do what makes you happy. I get in my car and leave but before I do, he tells me something that has been echoing in my mind.
(Something to the effect of:) "At this point, I think I care more about you than I do myself".
FAST FORWARD. Today were at breakfast )just him and I once again. And he starts talking about this one boy that we both know, recently confessed his feelings for Justin. I felt that he was making a mockery out of it. That made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Who's to say he hasn't just casually told someone about what I told him, and downplayed it? I don't think he took me seriously, and that's a problem for me. When I left, I felt more annoyed than anything. I've also realized that my feelings for him are stronger when I'm actually around him or talking to him (or typing blog posts), other than that, he is usually not on my mind. I have clearly destroyed any normalcy in the friendship we share, and it might just be time for me to pull one of my disappearing acts. AJ, Bible Boy, and Miggie have faced that same verdict. And I haven't looked back yet. And honestly, when I brought the topic of something b/w Chino and I to some of our mutual friends...I pretty much got a negative response. They don't think I should be with him. And I don't either. But the heart wants what it wants. *cuts heart out with plastic knife*
I randomly just thought about something. AJ is sexy as hell. Hmm.
So now you're wondering about Comcast. But so am I lol. I DO like SOMETHING about him. But there's also something I DON'T like. And idk. He is really feeling me,and...I'm not feeling the same. I know, alot diff than my last post. It might have something to do with the fact that he is constantly blowing my phone up. And I don't understand how you don't want anyone to know about us, but you post on my wall?? Just letting it sit on the backburner for now. Stay tuned.
Hi,it's Charlie. I'm gonna rant about work. I absolutely can not stand when the people in the grill get mad when I ask for food. 1) Bitch you get paid to make sandwiches!!!! 2) SO WHAT IF YOU MADE IT ALREADY? It obviously was taken by someone else, I didn't eat it,you assbag. 3) Shut the fuck up! Okay I'm done.
I've been talking to Terence lately..We made up. And he said something that actually brought a tear to my eye. He told me that despite everything, he was proud of me when Graduation came. I love people who gives props where props are due.
*changes song to Pretty Wings by Maxwell*
Readers, I leave you with this. Words from someone I find quite interesting. And they describe my entire summer as you have read.
"I'm constantly meeting new people and ignoring the ones who have actually taken time out if their lives to continually seek my attention. I guess I think they don't deserve me. I carry the self confidence and narcissism you can only attain when at one point in your life you've had none. Maybe I'm scared they'll find out too much about me and begin to dislike me. Or maybe i simply lose interest. I get bored as easily as I fall in love."
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