Lost Files: In Time

"Do you mind if I give you love

Cause I just wanna give you love

Won't you tell me if I'm doing too much

Missing you is way too hard to do"

I'm really loving my new roommates, now that I've moved back to Tampa. I think I've especially bonded with Jose the most, we had a very deep conversation the other day about how weird we both are. I think we're alike in the aspect that we find it difficult to love (and ARE difficult to love) but when we do, man that is some serious shit. Eric is fun to be around, but I'm really trying to pry "it" out of him. And Ian is super dope. He was the first that I really liked. I can tell he is fun as hell to hang out with so hopefully that'll end up happening.

My sweet grandmother Pearl passed and this has been one of the hardest weeks man. Auntie Mae gave her cold which had me dizzy and turned my nose into a snot fountain. I had a mental breakdown Thursday and that was really ignited by my feeling of loneliness. In that moment, I felt like I was somebody else. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not really Trey. Maybe a Great Value version instead.

I need to see Diane or Sami. 

I've been thinking about social media use lately. People put way too much energy into social media. Many times you're arguing with someone who probably wouldn't be as vocal in person. I just believe in picking your battles. I refuse to waste time entertaining someone who probably isn't on my level anyway. YOU AINT ON MY LEVEL HOE. Sometimes you gotta say that to yourself fr fr. I won't waste time on someone who isn't on my level.

Isn't it funny how shit can turn so quick!? Bruh I be tryna tell ya'll. No matter what, I always have the last laugh. You can bet ya coinz on that one. So in the previous post, I told yall how Encore was being a fuck ass. Long story short, his ex-boyfriend, (whom I now choose to deem Quesadilla), snapped me a lowkey thirst trap. Although I was completely still bitter about our last time spent together, I told Encore about this and honestly, it just seemed like he was so unappreciative. He insinuated that all along I was trying to break him and Quesadilla up so that I could be with him (Quesadilla).  The fuck? Your insecurity is what will lead to your downfall. You are constantly searching for validation which leads to you only being aware of your own selfish desires. I swear kid can't understand things unless he himself experiences. We got into this argument where he really was just ranting and venting and I remained mostly unresponsive. He said a few things that only served he purpose of trying to hurt me but I mean you can't call me ugly when you were begging me for naked pics. Every boy you come across, I've already had. I'm not concerned about you in the least. It was all nice while it lasted. Sashay away.

So Quesadilla, I went to Tampa last weekend and he came thru. He is cute as hell however, I don't really see an intellectual match in him. Plus, I have this huge amount of distrust towards him only because he continually mentions other niggas and going to chill with them and shit and look I ain't wit all that.Then he won't text me but finds time to snap and chill with his people. It is what it is. He tells me that he's not fucking with nobody like he fucking with the kid. I don't know if I believe that.

This is completely irrelevant to my life but it's the small things that made me happy. Carlos took me to his house looking absolutely gay as fuck. But what stood out to me, was the fact that I felt no shade whatsoever from him or his family. I always felt like Rafael was lowkey ashamed to have me around his other friends and what not. Being a nigga into other niggas, there are things connotated to a "straight friend". Certain things aren't said, actions are toned down, and lines aren't crossed. I'm glad to say he is a true friend, dare I say one of my best. I don't gotta worry about all that with that nigga. I just can be myself. I hope this friendship lasts for life. Last night we had a getty at his house. We played ring of fire and of course I ended up having to drink the middle cup. Crown and Smirnoff. Wasn't too bad. I'm really gonna miss hanging out with him and Luz. They really have BEEN my summer. *sheds freshwater tear*

I met up with Sam-I-Am from the A-L-Bam tonight and in talking to her, I realized a couple things. I do a fantastic job of staying out of my friend's issues with each other while also being completely immersed in them. Hope she makes a speedy recovery after jaw surgery, girl that head game gonna be BOMB.

I'm lowkey salty towards Jonathan because the last time he was in town, he didn't tell me or make any attempt to hang out. At first, I thought he was just here for his family reunion but then I seen him on snapchat hanging out with some of his other friends. Not cool. We always go from being close to not talking at all then vice versa. Whatever.

I'm like the street, look both ways before you cross me. Think about that the next time you tell everybody you put me in my place cuz I could have easily dragged you around the damn store.

Reasons why I don't have gay friends:

1. They wanna fuck me.
2. I wanna fuck them.
3. We actually end up fucking.
4. I make them feel insecure (especially when love interests are involved).
5. It ends up being clique-ish

Let's go to the beach, each talk about my lovely Treycation. You know, Diane backed out last minute which left me both alone and stuck with the hotel bill. Nonetheless, Killa K joined me (I can always count on her) and the trip was FANTASTIC. We both had niggas and we both was looking good as all hell. The boy she brought over looked sooo good (I need to make a trip to Ethiopia) and my boy was pretty cute himself. You know the routine. His nickname shall be Spear. So I already was kinda familiar with Spear from Tampa. I had already been acquainted with his arab friend . Anyway, I been peeped Spear in the club a couple times and I mean come on yall know how the kid feel about mixed boys.

So I hit him up Grindr spittin my usual game and flickin my usual charm. Next thing I know, Me and Killa K at the beach with our boys. She and hers left and Spear and I had some alone time walking around Sobe. I'm used to the whole pocket-boyfriend thing so that's was that was. When we got back, I was pleased that he didn't push for sex because I'm not a thot (anymore). That night was good and I felt a connection with him. The next night, not so much. I felt really awkward because Karissa and I went to their hotel room expecting to party buuuuut that wasn't the case. Firstly, Spear and his friend kept laughing and making inside jokes and you know I've always been taught that if you're not in on the joke, you ARE the joke. So I felt that they were laughing at me. I'm not really sure if Spear was seriously coming onto me so heavily or if he was playing or the alcohol, but he kept mentioning a threesome that his friend had jokingly mentioned at the concert. I decided I was gonna "fall asleep" because I'm not a thot (anymore). When I woke up, Spear was acting very strange and distant. I left and he never even checked to see if I made it back to the hotel or anything. Later on, he said he wasn't in the mood but I mean that's no excuse to be inconsiderate. Now, he takes forever to text back and so I'm questioning whatever the fuck we got going on. I guess I'll chop it up to "what happens in Miami stays in Miami" and keep it moving. Even when I came up to Tampa he wasn't really tryna see me so it's whatever. I have way too many niggas on my trail. BUT, there's a level of sophistication to him that I'm interested in delving into.

Interestingly enough, another one of his friends made a comment about me being "denied". Bish where?? I didn't bring it up to Spear mostly because I don't care that much but it's not unusual for a guy i'm involved with to twist facts in their favor.

N to the Wayz, the concert was BOMB. the crazy thing is that it happened right before Meek Mill went on his bitch ass rant on twitter, but you could still tell there was something going on between him and Nicki. Whatever. Dej Loaf is soooo pretty in person like WOW. And Tinashe came so close I could have reached out and touched her. Meek and Rae Sremmurd got some live ass songs too. Of course I was there for Nicki. I don't know why, but I've noticed that she has done more songs at her other concerts, I think time had alot to do with that tho.

3 Months of Love in 60 Min or Less

All this time I thought I had this connection with WinnDixie. Turns out, it was only sexual tension. Even when we were together hanging out, it was like he couldn't keep his hands off of me and just talk. The way he kissed me was purely sexual; I knew then that it probably wouldn't go any further for me. Then I fucked him underneath a bridge in Tampa. I was alright. I tried to make things work with Javier but he is just so confusing and what not, plus his teeth are a huge turnoff. Then there was this boy who I won't even bother giving a nickname. The sex was bomb but niggas was just soooo damn annoying after that like forreal forreal. I know the dick good but damn yo let me sleep. UCF unfollowed me randomly on social media and when I asked him, he gave me the run-around. It's whatever tho. There's this guy I'm reaaaally feeling on Snapchat but I won't mention his name yet... Okay and there were a couple other guys but none worth mentioning.

The thoughts of 15 men in my mind are not enough the blanket the all-encompassing desire for true companionship.

I just want someone that kills these niggas on every level like yours truly. Someone that can handle my crazy. Someone that will cuss me out when I'm an ass instead of run away. Someone that stimulates both heads. Someone that will be the reason I delete Grindr for good. Someone with that bomb ass head.

But maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop trying to put these niggas into the mold to see if they fit just try to feel them for who they are.