Jackrabbit : Part 1

"Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet"

I sat here, staring at my computer screen for the longest, wondering how I would begin. How would I bridge gap between then and now? I guess the first thing I should do is apologize to my readers. But then should I really? Yes, I should. I should apologize to myself. I was so “busy” all of these months that I never took the time to write this, and instead, I let myself fill to the brim with emotions.

Before I go on, I would like to remind everyone of what this is. This is a personal reflection. It's a conversation between me and myself, in which you have been allowed to eavesdrop. At times, it's  90's sitcom and you are the studio audience. Sometimes it's an Adele song and I'm wiping my own tears while you watch either uncomfortably or sympathetically. In any aspect, it's not about you. These are my feelings. Remember that before you question me about anything. I'm always open for commentary, as long as it comes from a genuine place.

Well, bitch, I’m baaaaaaaack. Let’s get it crackin. (Does anyone actually say that anymore?)

I suppose the holiday season will be greatly-depressing for at least the next couple of years. Thanksgiving didn’t even feel like Thanksgiving thanks to the lack of my Grandma Pearl’s sass and of course, cooking. It also wasn’t the same as I didn’t get the usual phone call from Daddy asking me if I wanted to come over there, which I of course would have denied like I have for the last 3 years. But at least I had the option of doing so.

I guess my friends have had alot to do with me not feeling so well lately. I don't think they understand that I really don't have much family at all which of course leaves them to fulfill a much larger role in my life. Maybe I expect too much from them. Toni got back with her ex and literally hasn't really talked to me since. Noted. Killa K recently crossed (meaning she is now in a sorority) and although she promised things wouldn't be different, they are. We went from texting everyday to maybe once a week. That's sad. And it hurts. But I'm no stranger to people fading out of my life. I kept trying to spend time with her but it was like she was always prepared with a Greek-related excuse. So I figured I would just let her initiate anything, I mean if she really wants to, she will, right? I also spent a weekend with Jonathan, Kristy,Diane, and Carlos. Lemme tell ya, that was a fucking bummer. But I'll save that for Part 2.

Since I have taken a break from blogging, many different aspects of my life have changed.
I now work at a middle school. (No, I’m being serious!) Now, everyone knows my…tendency towards confrontation of the mercurial sort. But this experience has taught to be more “active” than “reactive”. Man these little bastards legit call me any and every name in the book. I can’t tell you how many times they tell my black ass to shut the fuck up…I think they really are more interested in testing me, trying to get a reaction. They push and push and push, usually to no avail. This really has transferred into my personal life as I realize that some people feed off of the energy that comes from altercations. You can try to rock the boat as much as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am still the captain and this ain’t the fucking Titanic.

Recently, I found myself in an odd predicament and I just wanna say that the world would be a better place if everyone was just straight forward and completely honest. Bitch if you said something, then you should be man or woman enough to stand by your statement. Someone I know contracted an incurable disease and was blaming it on someone else just out of spite. Dude, that’s not cool whatsoever (Said in best surfer impersonation). Take responsibility for your own inclination towards unsafe sexual behaviors. No one likes sex more than I do, I mean no one. But if I caught something (which wouldn’t happen cuz I don’t raw these niggas) then I would never blame it on anyone, especially not that particular disease. I guess I feel strongly about this because a certain someone tried to say I gave them chlamydia a couple months ago and I definitely have the papers to prove otherwise.

Do you understand that you can literally be willing to give the world to someone but it doesn't matter if they want Mars?

This past weekend I went to FIU to visit Deja and it was lit. While I was down there, my grindr was literally explosive. I might officially have a bae or two or thirteen down there haha. But anyway, we all went to Benihana and because we’re all black, we were def late by 2 hours. I actually hate being late. And then her friends complained literally about every fucking thing. It probably wasn’t even that bad but I was so annoyed because I was both black and hungry which is a horrible combination. I also had the chance to meet Deja’s boyfriend who really wasn’t anything like I expected to be. I guess I expected him to be a bit more laid back. You know, we all just want the best for our loved ones. I’ll politely say that he’s not my type but I can tell he has nothing but the best intentions for Deja which ultimately satisfies me. There’s a thin line between funny and annoying and I think he definitely kept crossing it. He was probably more nervous which I definitely can see in hindsight.

I won’t say who but a certain someone decided it was socially acceptable for me to pull the car over on the side of the road on the way back for them to have a gaseous bowl movement. In Lamens Terms, This person took a nasty shit on the side of the road. How much more close can we possibly get than subjecting each other to the pungent odor of our poo? No names at all.

So let’s delve into the craziness that is my love life. I decided to go stay with UCF for the remainder of the weekend and honestly, it was blissful at first. For us not having actual sex, the various, furious make-out /dry hump romps that we had were better than many of my other actual sexually-thorough experiences. It was so nice just being able to hold someone, especially him. I truly care about him, almost to the level at which I felt for Rique. And being close to him physically almost changes my mind about being able to in a relationship with him. But I can’t. It would be hard for me to trust a nigga that I saw every day, so him being in Orlando just wouldn’t cut it. Ideally, I would like to see my boyfriend at least 2 or 3 times a week. Enough for me to be satisfied (in multiple aspects) and enough for me to not be completely annoyed by him. UCF is stimulating sexually and mentally. His intelligence and his ambition pushes me to be better.

My weekend stay with him made me realize something. I think I have a romanticized idea of love and relationships which ultimately affects how I view potential suitors. I guess I’m expecting a flawless love from a flawless man, which really isn’t feasible.

I also was kind of involved with this boy whom I shall name Forever 21. Now, Forever 21 and I met via Instagram and he is cute as all hell. But it's been 4 months and he still really hasn't allowed me to meet him. He wanted me to only be involved with him but never put any effort in.

And then I found out that although he didn't want to meet me, he was perfectly okay with sleeping with some random that gave him his hotel room number at his store. He tried to lie and say that he knew him but I have eyes everywhere. Remember that. Now, we're just somewhere in Limbo.

So remember how I told you Encore and his boyfriend broke up? Well his boyfriend and I kinda sorta started to have this thing, (I know that's lowkey grimy but just shut up and listen) I was more interested in seeing where it would go. The whole thing fizzled out as fast as it began. It's crazy how someone can tell you they don't have time for but social media shows them with another nigga 24/7. It's cool tho. BLOCKEDT.

Then there are honorable mentions. There's Publix, who is very interesting to talk to and can really carry a conversation. He's much older than me; I'm really just feeling things out with him. There's also Bahama Breeze who happens to be from the Bahamas. He goes to UT but he's so difficult to talk to. He's very attractive and has an exotic look. I'm also just feeling him out for now, but I wouldn't mind feeling him period (insert Trina laugh).

There's also this boy from back home who I definitely feeling but he really left me hanging when we were supposed to meet up. Noted.

There's a couple more, but none worth mentioning.

I just want someone that kills these niggas on every level like yours truly. Someone that can handle my crazy. Someone that will cuss me out when I'm an ass instead of run away. Someone that stimulates both heads. Someone that will be the reason I delete Grindr for good. Someone with that bomb ass head.

But maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop trying to put these niggas into the mold to see if they fit just try to feel them for who they are.

HOLLUP. I'm not done yet heifer!!! Part 2. Wait on it, hoe.