Jackrabbit : Part 1

"Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet"

I sat here, staring at my computer screen for the longest, wondering how I would begin. How would I bridge gap between then and now? I guess the first thing I should do is apologize to my readers. But then should I really? Yes, I should. I should apologize to myself. I was so “busy” all of these months that I never took the time to write this, and instead, I let myself fill to the brim with emotions.

Before I go on, I would like to remind everyone of what this is. This is a personal reflection. It's a conversation between me and myself, in which you have been allowed to eavesdrop. At times, it's  90's sitcom and you are the studio audience. Sometimes it's an Adele song and I'm wiping my own tears while you watch either uncomfortably or sympathetically. In any aspect, it's not about you. These are my feelings. Remember that before you question me about anything. I'm always open for commentary, as long as it comes from a genuine place.

Well, bitch, I’m baaaaaaaack. Let’s get it crackin. (Does anyone actually say that anymore?)

I suppose the holiday season will be greatly-depressing for at least the next couple of years. Thanksgiving didn’t even feel like Thanksgiving thanks to the lack of my Grandma Pearl’s sass and of course, cooking. It also wasn’t the same as I didn’t get the usual phone call from Daddy asking me if I wanted to come over there, which I of course would have denied like I have for the last 3 years. But at least I had the option of doing so.

I guess my friends have had alot to do with me not feeling so well lately. I don't think they understand that I really don't have much family at all which of course leaves them to fulfill a much larger role in my life. Maybe I expect too much from them. Toni got back with her ex and literally hasn't really talked to me since. Noted. Killa K recently crossed (meaning she is now in a sorority) and although she promised things wouldn't be different, they are. We went from texting everyday to maybe once a week. That's sad. And it hurts. But I'm no stranger to people fading out of my life. I kept trying to spend time with her but it was like she was always prepared with a Greek-related excuse. So I figured I would just let her initiate anything, I mean if she really wants to, she will, right? I also spent a weekend with Jonathan, Kristy,Diane, and Carlos. Lemme tell ya, that was a fucking bummer. But I'll save that for Part 2.

Since I have taken a break from blogging, many different aspects of my life have changed.
I now work at a middle school. (No, I’m being serious!) Now, everyone knows my…tendency towards confrontation of the mercurial sort. But this experience has taught to be more “active” than “reactive”. Man these little bastards legit call me any and every name in the book. I can’t tell you how many times they tell my black ass to shut the fuck up…I think they really are more interested in testing me, trying to get a reaction. They push and push and push, usually to no avail. This really has transferred into my personal life as I realize that some people feed off of the energy that comes from altercations. You can try to rock the boat as much as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am still the captain and this ain’t the fucking Titanic.

Recently, I found myself in an odd predicament and I just wanna say that the world would be a better place if everyone was just straight forward and completely honest. Bitch if you said something, then you should be man or woman enough to stand by your statement. Someone I know contracted an incurable disease and was blaming it on someone else just out of spite. Dude, that’s not cool whatsoever (Said in best surfer impersonation). Take responsibility for your own inclination towards unsafe sexual behaviors. No one likes sex more than I do, I mean no one. But if I caught something (which wouldn’t happen cuz I don’t raw these niggas) then I would never blame it on anyone, especially not that particular disease. I guess I feel strongly about this because a certain someone tried to say I gave them chlamydia a couple months ago and I definitely have the papers to prove otherwise.

Do you understand that you can literally be willing to give the world to someone but it doesn't matter if they want Mars?

This past weekend I went to FIU to visit Deja and it was lit. While I was down there, my grindr was literally explosive. I might officially have a bae or two or thirteen down there haha. But anyway, we all went to Benihana and because we’re all black, we were def late by 2 hours. I actually hate being late. And then her friends complained literally about every fucking thing. It probably wasn’t even that bad but I was so annoyed because I was both black and hungry which is a horrible combination. I also had the chance to meet Deja’s boyfriend who really wasn’t anything like I expected to be. I guess I expected him to be a bit more laid back. You know, we all just want the best for our loved ones. I’ll politely say that he’s not my type but I can tell he has nothing but the best intentions for Deja which ultimately satisfies me. There’s a thin line between funny and annoying and I think he definitely kept crossing it. He was probably more nervous which I definitely can see in hindsight.

I won’t say who but a certain someone decided it was socially acceptable for me to pull the car over on the side of the road on the way back for them to have a gaseous bowl movement. In Lamens Terms, This person took a nasty shit on the side of the road. How much more close can we possibly get than subjecting each other to the pungent odor of our poo? No names at all.

So let’s delve into the craziness that is my love life. I decided to go stay with UCF for the remainder of the weekend and honestly, it was blissful at first. For us not having actual sex, the various, furious make-out /dry hump romps that we had were better than many of my other actual sexually-thorough experiences. It was so nice just being able to hold someone, especially him. I truly care about him, almost to the level at which I felt for Rique. And being close to him physically almost changes my mind about being able to in a relationship with him. But I can’t. It would be hard for me to trust a nigga that I saw every day, so him being in Orlando just wouldn’t cut it. Ideally, I would like to see my boyfriend at least 2 or 3 times a week. Enough for me to be satisfied (in multiple aspects) and enough for me to not be completely annoyed by him. UCF is stimulating sexually and mentally. His intelligence and his ambition pushes me to be better.

My weekend stay with him made me realize something. I think I have a romanticized idea of love and relationships which ultimately affects how I view potential suitors. I guess I’m expecting a flawless love from a flawless man, which really isn’t feasible.

I also was kind of involved with this boy whom I shall name Forever 21. Now, Forever 21 and I met via Instagram and he is cute as all hell. But it's been 4 months and he still really hasn't allowed me to meet him. He wanted me to only be involved with him but never put any effort in.

And then I found out that although he didn't want to meet me, he was perfectly okay with sleeping with some random that gave him his hotel room number at his store. He tried to lie and say that he knew him but I have eyes everywhere. Remember that. Now, we're just somewhere in Limbo.

So remember how I told you Encore and his boyfriend broke up? Well his boyfriend and I kinda sorta started to have this thing, (I know that's lowkey grimy but just shut up and listen) I was more interested in seeing where it would go. The whole thing fizzled out as fast as it began. It's crazy how someone can tell you they don't have time for but social media shows them with another nigga 24/7. It's cool tho. BLOCKEDT.

Then there are honorable mentions. There's Publix, who is very interesting to talk to and can really carry a conversation. He's much older than me; I'm really just feeling things out with him. There's also Bahama Breeze who happens to be from the Bahamas. He goes to UT but he's so difficult to talk to. He's very attractive and has an exotic look. I'm also just feeling him out for now, but I wouldn't mind feeling him period (insert Trina laugh).

There's also this boy from back home who I definitely feeling but he really left me hanging when we were supposed to meet up. Noted.

There's a couple more, but none worth mentioning.

I just want someone that kills these niggas on every level like yours truly. Someone that can handle my crazy. Someone that will cuss me out when I'm an ass instead of run away. Someone that stimulates both heads. Someone that will be the reason I delete Grindr for good. Someone with that bomb ass head.

But maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop trying to put these niggas into the mold to see if they fit just try to feel them for who they are.

HOLLUP. I'm not done yet heifer!!! Part 2. Wait on it, hoe.

Lost Files: In Time

"Do you mind if I give you love

Cause I just wanna give you love

Won't you tell me if I'm doing too much

Missing you is way too hard to do"

I'm really loving my new roommates, now that I've moved back to Tampa. I think I've especially bonded with Jose the most, we had a very deep conversation the other day about how weird we both are. I think we're alike in the aspect that we find it difficult to love (and ARE difficult to love) but when we do, man that is some serious shit. Eric is fun to be around, but I'm really trying to pry "it" out of him. And Ian is super dope. He was the first that I really liked. I can tell he is fun as hell to hang out with so hopefully that'll end up happening.

My sweet grandmother Pearl passed and this has been one of the hardest weeks man. Auntie Mae gave her cold which had me dizzy and turned my nose into a snot fountain. I had a mental breakdown Thursday and that was really ignited by my feeling of loneliness. In that moment, I felt like I was somebody else. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not really Trey. Maybe a Great Value version instead.

I need to see Diane or Sami. 

I've been thinking about social media use lately. People put way too much energy into social media. Many times you're arguing with someone who probably wouldn't be as vocal in person. I just believe in picking your battles. I refuse to waste time entertaining someone who probably isn't on my level anyway. YOU AINT ON MY LEVEL HOE. Sometimes you gotta say that to yourself fr fr. I won't waste time on someone who isn't on my level.

Isn't it funny how shit can turn so quick!? Bruh I be tryna tell ya'll. No matter what, I always have the last laugh. You can bet ya coinz on that one. So in the previous post, I told yall how Encore was being a fuck ass. Long story short, his ex-boyfriend, (whom I now choose to deem Quesadilla), snapped me a lowkey thirst trap. Although I was completely still bitter about our last time spent together, I told Encore about this and honestly, it just seemed like he was so unappreciative. He insinuated that all along I was trying to break him and Quesadilla up so that I could be with him (Quesadilla).  The fuck? Your insecurity is what will lead to your downfall. You are constantly searching for validation which leads to you only being aware of your own selfish desires. I swear kid can't understand things unless he himself experiences. We got into this argument where he really was just ranting and venting and I remained mostly unresponsive. He said a few things that only served he purpose of trying to hurt me but I mean you can't call me ugly when you were begging me for naked pics. Every boy you come across, I've already had. I'm not concerned about you in the least. It was all nice while it lasted. Sashay away.

So Quesadilla, I went to Tampa last weekend and he came thru. He is cute as hell however, I don't really see an intellectual match in him. Plus, I have this huge amount of distrust towards him only because he continually mentions other niggas and going to chill with them and shit and look I ain't wit all that.Then he won't text me but finds time to snap and chill with his people. It is what it is. He tells me that he's not fucking with nobody like he fucking with the kid. I don't know if I believe that.

This is completely irrelevant to my life but it's the small things that made me happy. Carlos took me to his house looking absolutely gay as fuck. But what stood out to me, was the fact that I felt no shade whatsoever from him or his family. I always felt like Rafael was lowkey ashamed to have me around his other friends and what not. Being a nigga into other niggas, there are things connotated to a "straight friend". Certain things aren't said, actions are toned down, and lines aren't crossed. I'm glad to say he is a true friend, dare I say one of my best. I don't gotta worry about all that with that nigga. I just can be myself. I hope this friendship lasts for life. Last night we had a getty at his house. We played ring of fire and of course I ended up having to drink the middle cup. Crown and Smirnoff. Wasn't too bad. I'm really gonna miss hanging out with him and Luz. They really have BEEN my summer. *sheds freshwater tear*

I met up with Sam-I-Am from the A-L-Bam tonight and in talking to her, I realized a couple things. I do a fantastic job of staying out of my friend's issues with each other while also being completely immersed in them. Hope she makes a speedy recovery after jaw surgery, girl that head game gonna be BOMB.

I'm lowkey salty towards Jonathan because the last time he was in town, he didn't tell me or make any attempt to hang out. At first, I thought he was just here for his family reunion but then I seen him on snapchat hanging out with some of his other friends. Not cool. We always go from being close to not talking at all then vice versa. Whatever.

I'm like the street, look both ways before you cross me. Think about that the next time you tell everybody you put me in my place cuz I could have easily dragged you around the damn store.

Reasons why I don't have gay friends:

1. They wanna fuck me.
2. I wanna fuck them.
3. We actually end up fucking.
4. I make them feel insecure (especially when love interests are involved).
5. It ends up being clique-ish

Let's go to the beach, each talk about my lovely Treycation. You know, Diane backed out last minute which left me both alone and stuck with the hotel bill. Nonetheless, Killa K joined me (I can always count on her) and the trip was FANTASTIC. We both had niggas and we both was looking good as all hell. The boy she brought over looked sooo good (I need to make a trip to Ethiopia) and my boy was pretty cute himself. You know the routine. His nickname shall be Spear. So I already was kinda familiar with Spear from Tampa. I had already been acquainted with his arab friend . Anyway, I been peeped Spear in the club a couple times and I mean come on yall know how the kid feel about mixed boys.

So I hit him up Grindr spittin my usual game and flickin my usual charm. Next thing I know, Me and Killa K at the beach with our boys. She and hers left and Spear and I had some alone time walking around Sobe. I'm used to the whole pocket-boyfriend thing so that's was that was. When we got back, I was pleased that he didn't push for sex because I'm not a thot (anymore). That night was good and I felt a connection with him. The next night, not so much. I felt really awkward because Karissa and I went to their hotel room expecting to party buuuuut that wasn't the case. Firstly, Spear and his friend kept laughing and making inside jokes and you know I've always been taught that if you're not in on the joke, you ARE the joke. So I felt that they were laughing at me. I'm not really sure if Spear was seriously coming onto me so heavily or if he was playing or the alcohol, but he kept mentioning a threesome that his friend had jokingly mentioned at the concert. I decided I was gonna "fall asleep" because I'm not a thot (anymore). When I woke up, Spear was acting very strange and distant. I left and he never even checked to see if I made it back to the hotel or anything. Later on, he said he wasn't in the mood but I mean that's no excuse to be inconsiderate. Now, he takes forever to text back and so I'm questioning whatever the fuck we got going on. I guess I'll chop it up to "what happens in Miami stays in Miami" and keep it moving. Even when I came up to Tampa he wasn't really tryna see me so it's whatever. I have way too many niggas on my trail. BUT, there's a level of sophistication to him that I'm interested in delving into.

Interestingly enough, another one of his friends made a comment about me being "denied". Bish where?? I didn't bring it up to Spear mostly because I don't care that much but it's not unusual for a guy i'm involved with to twist facts in their favor.

N to the Wayz, the concert was BOMB. the crazy thing is that it happened right before Meek Mill went on his bitch ass rant on twitter, but you could still tell there was something going on between him and Nicki. Whatever. Dej Loaf is soooo pretty in person like WOW. And Tinashe came so close I could have reached out and touched her. Meek and Rae Sremmurd got some live ass songs too. Of course I was there for Nicki. I don't know why, but I've noticed that she has done more songs at her other concerts, I think time had alot to do with that tho.

3 Months of Love in 60 Min or Less

All this time I thought I had this connection with WinnDixie. Turns out, it was only sexual tension. Even when we were together hanging out, it was like he couldn't keep his hands off of me and just talk. The way he kissed me was purely sexual; I knew then that it probably wouldn't go any further for me. Then I fucked him underneath a bridge in Tampa. I was alright. I tried to make things work with Javier but he is just so confusing and what not, plus his teeth are a huge turnoff. Then there was this boy who I won't even bother giving a nickname. The sex was bomb but niggas was just soooo damn annoying after that like forreal forreal. I know the dick good but damn yo let me sleep. UCF unfollowed me randomly on social media and when I asked him, he gave me the run-around. It's whatever tho. There's this guy I'm reaaaally feeling on Snapchat but I won't mention his name yet... Okay and there were a couple other guys but none worth mentioning.

The thoughts of 15 men in my mind are not enough the blanket the all-encompassing desire for true companionship.

I just want someone that kills these niggas on every level like yours truly. Someone that can handle my crazy. Someone that will cuss me out when I'm an ass instead of run away. Someone that stimulates both heads. Someone that will be the reason I delete Grindr for good. Someone with that bomb ass head.

But maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop trying to put these niggas into the mold to see if they fit just try to feel them for who they are.