Jackrabbit : Part 1

"Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet"

I sat here, staring at my computer screen for the longest, wondering how I would begin. How would I bridge gap between then and now? I guess the first thing I should do is apologize to my readers. But then should I really? Yes, I should. I should apologize to myself. I was so “busy” all of these months that I never took the time to write this, and instead, I let myself fill to the brim with emotions.

Before I go on, I would like to remind everyone of what this is. This is a personal reflection. It's a conversation between me and myself, in which you have been allowed to eavesdrop. At times, it's  90's sitcom and you are the studio audience. Sometimes it's an Adele song and I'm wiping my own tears while you watch either uncomfortably or sympathetically. In any aspect, it's not about you. These are my feelings. Remember that before you question me about anything. I'm always open for commentary, as long as it comes from a genuine place.

Well, bitch, I’m baaaaaaaack. Let’s get it crackin. (Does anyone actually say that anymore?)

I suppose the holiday season will be greatly-depressing for at least the next couple of years. Thanksgiving didn’t even feel like Thanksgiving thanks to the lack of my Grandma Pearl’s sass and of course, cooking. It also wasn’t the same as I didn’t get the usual phone call from Daddy asking me if I wanted to come over there, which I of course would have denied like I have for the last 3 years. But at least I had the option of doing so.

I guess my friends have had alot to do with me not feeling so well lately. I don't think they understand that I really don't have much family at all which of course leaves them to fulfill a much larger role in my life. Maybe I expect too much from them. Toni got back with her ex and literally hasn't really talked to me since. Noted. Killa K recently crossed (meaning she is now in a sorority) and although she promised things wouldn't be different, they are. We went from texting everyday to maybe once a week. That's sad. And it hurts. But I'm no stranger to people fading out of my life. I kept trying to spend time with her but it was like she was always prepared with a Greek-related excuse. So I figured I would just let her initiate anything, I mean if she really wants to, she will, right? I also spent a weekend with Jonathan, Kristy,Diane, and Carlos. Lemme tell ya, that was a fucking bummer. But I'll save that for Part 2.

Since I have taken a break from blogging, many different aspects of my life have changed.
I now work at a middle school. (No, I’m being serious!) Now, everyone knows my…tendency towards confrontation of the mercurial sort. But this experience has taught to be more “active” than “reactive”. Man these little bastards legit call me any and every name in the book. I can’t tell you how many times they tell my black ass to shut the fuck up…I think they really are more interested in testing me, trying to get a reaction. They push and push and push, usually to no avail. This really has transferred into my personal life as I realize that some people feed off of the energy that comes from altercations. You can try to rock the boat as much as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am still the captain and this ain’t the fucking Titanic.

Recently, I found myself in an odd predicament and I just wanna say that the world would be a better place if everyone was just straight forward and completely honest. Bitch if you said something, then you should be man or woman enough to stand by your statement. Someone I know contracted an incurable disease and was blaming it on someone else just out of spite. Dude, that’s not cool whatsoever (Said in best surfer impersonation). Take responsibility for your own inclination towards unsafe sexual behaviors. No one likes sex more than I do, I mean no one. But if I caught something (which wouldn’t happen cuz I don’t raw these niggas) then I would never blame it on anyone, especially not that particular disease. I guess I feel strongly about this because a certain someone tried to say I gave them chlamydia a couple months ago and I definitely have the papers to prove otherwise.

Do you understand that you can literally be willing to give the world to someone but it doesn't matter if they want Mars?

This past weekend I went to FIU to visit Deja and it was lit. While I was down there, my grindr was literally explosive. I might officially have a bae or two or thirteen down there haha. But anyway, we all went to Benihana and because we’re all black, we were def late by 2 hours. I actually hate being late. And then her friends complained literally about every fucking thing. It probably wasn’t even that bad but I was so annoyed because I was both black and hungry which is a horrible combination. I also had the chance to meet Deja’s boyfriend who really wasn’t anything like I expected to be. I guess I expected him to be a bit more laid back. You know, we all just want the best for our loved ones. I’ll politely say that he’s not my type but I can tell he has nothing but the best intentions for Deja which ultimately satisfies me. There’s a thin line between funny and annoying and I think he definitely kept crossing it. He was probably more nervous which I definitely can see in hindsight.

I won’t say who but a certain someone decided it was socially acceptable for me to pull the car over on the side of the road on the way back for them to have a gaseous bowl movement. In Lamens Terms, This person took a nasty shit on the side of the road. How much more close can we possibly get than subjecting each other to the pungent odor of our poo? No names at all.

So let’s delve into the craziness that is my love life. I decided to go stay with UCF for the remainder of the weekend and honestly, it was blissful at first. For us not having actual sex, the various, furious make-out /dry hump romps that we had were better than many of my other actual sexually-thorough experiences. It was so nice just being able to hold someone, especially him. I truly care about him, almost to the level at which I felt for Rique. And being close to him physically almost changes my mind about being able to in a relationship with him. But I can’t. It would be hard for me to trust a nigga that I saw every day, so him being in Orlando just wouldn’t cut it. Ideally, I would like to see my boyfriend at least 2 or 3 times a week. Enough for me to be satisfied (in multiple aspects) and enough for me to not be completely annoyed by him. UCF is stimulating sexually and mentally. His intelligence and his ambition pushes me to be better.

My weekend stay with him made me realize something. I think I have a romanticized idea of love and relationships which ultimately affects how I view potential suitors. I guess I’m expecting a flawless love from a flawless man, which really isn’t feasible.

I also was kind of involved with this boy whom I shall name Forever 21. Now, Forever 21 and I met via Instagram and he is cute as all hell. But it's been 4 months and he still really hasn't allowed me to meet him. He wanted me to only be involved with him but never put any effort in.

And then I found out that although he didn't want to meet me, he was perfectly okay with sleeping with some random that gave him his hotel room number at his store. He tried to lie and say that he knew him but I have eyes everywhere. Remember that. Now, we're just somewhere in Limbo.

So remember how I told you Encore and his boyfriend broke up? Well his boyfriend and I kinda sorta started to have this thing, (I know that's lowkey grimy but just shut up and listen) I was more interested in seeing where it would go. The whole thing fizzled out as fast as it began. It's crazy how someone can tell you they don't have time for but social media shows them with another nigga 24/7. It's cool tho. BLOCKEDT.

Then there are honorable mentions. There's Publix, who is very interesting to talk to and can really carry a conversation. He's much older than me; I'm really just feeling things out with him. There's also Bahama Breeze who happens to be from the Bahamas. He goes to UT but he's so difficult to talk to. He's very attractive and has an exotic look. I'm also just feeling him out for now, but I wouldn't mind feeling him period (insert Trina laugh).

There's also this boy from back home who I definitely feeling but he really left me hanging when we were supposed to meet up. Noted.

There's a couple more, but none worth mentioning.

I just want someone that kills these niggas on every level like yours truly. Someone that can handle my crazy. Someone that will cuss me out when I'm an ass instead of run away. Someone that stimulates both heads. Someone that will be the reason I delete Grindr for good. Someone with that bomb ass head.

But maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop trying to put these niggas into the mold to see if they fit just try to feel them for who they are.

HOLLUP. I'm not done yet heifer!!! Part 2. Wait on it, hoe.

Lost Files: In Time

"Do you mind if I give you love

Cause I just wanna give you love

Won't you tell me if I'm doing too much

Missing you is way too hard to do"

I'm really loving my new roommates, now that I've moved back to Tampa. I think I've especially bonded with Jose the most, we had a very deep conversation the other day about how weird we both are. I think we're alike in the aspect that we find it difficult to love (and ARE difficult to love) but when we do, man that is some serious shit. Eric is fun to be around, but I'm really trying to pry "it" out of him. And Ian is super dope. He was the first that I really liked. I can tell he is fun as hell to hang out with so hopefully that'll end up happening.

My sweet grandmother Pearl passed and this has been one of the hardest weeks man. Auntie Mae gave her cold which had me dizzy and turned my nose into a snot fountain. I had a mental breakdown Thursday and that was really ignited by my feeling of loneliness. In that moment, I felt like I was somebody else. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not really Trey. Maybe a Great Value version instead.

I need to see Diane or Sami. 

I've been thinking about social media use lately. People put way too much energy into social media. Many times you're arguing with someone who probably wouldn't be as vocal in person. I just believe in picking your battles. I refuse to waste time entertaining someone who probably isn't on my level anyway. YOU AINT ON MY LEVEL HOE. Sometimes you gotta say that to yourself fr fr. I won't waste time on someone who isn't on my level.

Isn't it funny how shit can turn so quick!? Bruh I be tryna tell ya'll. No matter what, I always have the last laugh. You can bet ya coinz on that one. So in the previous post, I told yall how Encore was being a fuck ass. Long story short, his ex-boyfriend, (whom I now choose to deem Quesadilla), snapped me a lowkey thirst trap. Although I was completely still bitter about our last time spent together, I told Encore about this and honestly, it just seemed like he was so unappreciative. He insinuated that all along I was trying to break him and Quesadilla up so that I could be with him (Quesadilla).  The fuck? Your insecurity is what will lead to your downfall. You are constantly searching for validation which leads to you only being aware of your own selfish desires. I swear kid can't understand things unless he himself experiences. We got into this argument where he really was just ranting and venting and I remained mostly unresponsive. He said a few things that only served he purpose of trying to hurt me but I mean you can't call me ugly when you were begging me for naked pics. Every boy you come across, I've already had. I'm not concerned about you in the least. It was all nice while it lasted. Sashay away.

So Quesadilla, I went to Tampa last weekend and he came thru. He is cute as hell however, I don't really see an intellectual match in him. Plus, I have this huge amount of distrust towards him only because he continually mentions other niggas and going to chill with them and shit and look I ain't wit all that.Then he won't text me but finds time to snap and chill with his people. It is what it is. He tells me that he's not fucking with nobody like he fucking with the kid. I don't know if I believe that.

This is completely irrelevant to my life but it's the small things that made me happy. Carlos took me to his house looking absolutely gay as fuck. But what stood out to me, was the fact that I felt no shade whatsoever from him or his family. I always felt like Rafael was lowkey ashamed to have me around his other friends and what not. Being a nigga into other niggas, there are things connotated to a "straight friend". Certain things aren't said, actions are toned down, and lines aren't crossed. I'm glad to say he is a true friend, dare I say one of my best. I don't gotta worry about all that with that nigga. I just can be myself. I hope this friendship lasts for life. Last night we had a getty at his house. We played ring of fire and of course I ended up having to drink the middle cup. Crown and Smirnoff. Wasn't too bad. I'm really gonna miss hanging out with him and Luz. They really have BEEN my summer. *sheds freshwater tear*

I met up with Sam-I-Am from the A-L-Bam tonight and in talking to her, I realized a couple things. I do a fantastic job of staying out of my friend's issues with each other while also being completely immersed in them. Hope she makes a speedy recovery after jaw surgery, girl that head game gonna be BOMB.

I'm lowkey salty towards Jonathan because the last time he was in town, he didn't tell me or make any attempt to hang out. At first, I thought he was just here for his family reunion but then I seen him on snapchat hanging out with some of his other friends. Not cool. We always go from being close to not talking at all then vice versa. Whatever.

I'm like the street, look both ways before you cross me. Think about that the next time you tell everybody you put me in my place cuz I could have easily dragged you around the damn store.

Reasons why I don't have gay friends:

1. They wanna fuck me.
2. I wanna fuck them.
3. We actually end up fucking.
4. I make them feel insecure (especially when love interests are involved).
5. It ends up being clique-ish

Let's go to the beach, each talk about my lovely Treycation. You know, Diane backed out last minute which left me both alone and stuck with the hotel bill. Nonetheless, Killa K joined me (I can always count on her) and the trip was FANTASTIC. We both had niggas and we both was looking good as all hell. The boy she brought over looked sooo good (I need to make a trip to Ethiopia) and my boy was pretty cute himself. You know the routine. His nickname shall be Spear. So I already was kinda familiar with Spear from Tampa. I had already been acquainted with his arab friend . Anyway, I been peeped Spear in the club a couple times and I mean come on yall know how the kid feel about mixed boys.

So I hit him up Grindr spittin my usual game and flickin my usual charm. Next thing I know, Me and Killa K at the beach with our boys. She and hers left and Spear and I had some alone time walking around Sobe. I'm used to the whole pocket-boyfriend thing so that's was that was. When we got back, I was pleased that he didn't push for sex because I'm not a thot (anymore). That night was good and I felt a connection with him. The next night, not so much. I felt really awkward because Karissa and I went to their hotel room expecting to party buuuuut that wasn't the case. Firstly, Spear and his friend kept laughing and making inside jokes and you know I've always been taught that if you're not in on the joke, you ARE the joke. So I felt that they were laughing at me. I'm not really sure if Spear was seriously coming onto me so heavily or if he was playing or the alcohol, but he kept mentioning a threesome that his friend had jokingly mentioned at the concert. I decided I was gonna "fall asleep" because I'm not a thot (anymore). When I woke up, Spear was acting very strange and distant. I left and he never even checked to see if I made it back to the hotel or anything. Later on, he said he wasn't in the mood but I mean that's no excuse to be inconsiderate. Now, he takes forever to text back and so I'm questioning whatever the fuck we got going on. I guess I'll chop it up to "what happens in Miami stays in Miami" and keep it moving. Even when I came up to Tampa he wasn't really tryna see me so it's whatever. I have way too many niggas on my trail. BUT, there's a level of sophistication to him that I'm interested in delving into.

Interestingly enough, another one of his friends made a comment about me being "denied". Bish where?? I didn't bring it up to Spear mostly because I don't care that much but it's not unusual for a guy i'm involved with to twist facts in their favor.

N to the Wayz, the concert was BOMB. the crazy thing is that it happened right before Meek Mill went on his bitch ass rant on twitter, but you could still tell there was something going on between him and Nicki. Whatever. Dej Loaf is soooo pretty in person like WOW. And Tinashe came so close I could have reached out and touched her. Meek and Rae Sremmurd got some live ass songs too. Of course I was there for Nicki. I don't know why, but I've noticed that she has done more songs at her other concerts, I think time had alot to do with that tho.

3 Months of Love in 60 Min or Less

All this time I thought I had this connection with WinnDixie. Turns out, it was only sexual tension. Even when we were together hanging out, it was like he couldn't keep his hands off of me and just talk. The way he kissed me was purely sexual; I knew then that it probably wouldn't go any further for me. Then I fucked him underneath a bridge in Tampa. I was alright. I tried to make things work with Javier but he is just so confusing and what not, plus his teeth are a huge turnoff. Then there was this boy who I won't even bother giving a nickname. The sex was bomb but niggas was just soooo damn annoying after that like forreal forreal. I know the dick good but damn yo let me sleep. UCF unfollowed me randomly on social media and when I asked him, he gave me the run-around. It's whatever tho. There's this guy I'm reaaaally feeling on Snapchat but I won't mention his name yet... Okay and there were a couple other guys but none worth mentioning.

The thoughts of 15 men in my mind are not enough the blanket the all-encompassing desire for true companionship.

I just want someone that kills these niggas on every level like yours truly. Someone that can handle my crazy. Someone that will cuss me out when I'm an ass instead of run away. Someone that stimulates both heads. Someone that will be the reason I delete Grindr for good. Someone with that bomb ass head.

But maybe that's my problem. Maybe I should stop trying to put these niggas into the mold to see if they fit just try to feel them for who they are.

Ugly

"I don't want no drama
I just wanna be your diamond, babe
Guaranteed to be a problem
Every time I get around you, babe
I just want you to need me
You might really wanna try me, babe"

Before I even start, I'm going to remind you all of the time clause, especially because this was written in the span of two months (sorry been really busy). If you see the word, "yesterday" it doesn't mean that it actually happened yesterday. It means it happened the day before I wrote that quip, which only I will really know.

My great-aunt is sitting in front of me on her prayer line. I wish you all could see this. Her prayers and my blog are battling it out haha. Okay I moved into a different room and I swear she got even louder...Yep, here comes the speaking in tongues...AH SHALABOSKA....Jesus, fix it.

Finally back home yall! Feels bittersweet.
Everytime I come home, I always feel blindsided. Last time I came home from the break, my father passed away a week after. This time, I found out my Grandmother is doing really bad. She's in stage 4 of Breast cancer and has been for the last 18 years, She also has Lupus which a disease where basically, the body attacks itself from the inside out. She was doing okay up until around last August. And a few days ago, when I came home. I came back to a 3-year-old in a 70-year old body. She really has to have someone watching her at all times. She went to walmart and spent $200 in clothes that did not fit her and also tore panels off the walls in kitchen and took a cabinet door off the hinges!!!      

So I've been to Layla Hookah twice now with my nigga Carlos and his friends. Carlos is alot like myself, deeply caring yet also deeply not-giving-of-a-single-fuck. Whenever he and I go out, it's always a bomb ass time. Also like myself, he has no problem spending the coins he knows he has. He always tries to pay for everything and everyone knows that's how I am. But Carlos is more aggresive in that aspect so for example I had to pay for the hookahs when he turned his back so that he couldn't stop me lol.
But anyway, back to my initial point. The first time was alright but everyone was drunk except me and so that wasn't really that enjoyable. A couple of them made a few drunken transphobic comments about a friend from high school named Will who now is a transvestite. Wayment! Let me break it down for you.

Transvestite (Tranny) - A man who dresses as a woman.
Transexual/Transgender - Someone who actually makes the transition and lives life as the opposite sex.
Drag Queen - A man who dresses up as a woman only to entertain and displays exaggerated feminine qualities.

Anyway, Will walked into the Hookah lounge and one the members of our party started yelling some pretty obscene things.

 I'm surprised my eyes didn't roll clean out of my head. I blame that on being uncultured and that's what happens when you stay in the same place for too long. Lehigh's cool but moving out, I realized there are so many different types of people in world and you can't do anything but respect the differences.

Moving on, One of Carlos' friends actually brought her friend who is gay. I don't really care to go into detail but just know I could tell he was feeling the kid. I left with those two after we were all annoyed about the lack of alcohol (sigh) and the antics. Since then, he has hit me up twice really trying to "get to know me". Not interested. He's just not my type physically or personality-wise. He's smart but brains ain't enough.

The second time we went was soooo much more enjoyable. My nigga had the bottles on deck and the kid was sooooo gone lol. I tried Ciroc and Henny for the first time. Ciroc was soo smooth but Henny? That shit taste like Cardboard juice man. I'm happy that we're getting closer (Carlos and I), I think there is a lot we can benefit from each other.

Now that I think about it, I feel like there are four people in my life that I could absolutely count on for anything if I really need it. Carlos is one of those people. I won't name the other three because I don't want to warrant any "you didn't list me but you know I have your back" texts.

Him, Deja, Julissa, Kristy, and I went to the beach and had a drunken adventure. Well Kristy wasn't drunk (duh). We were highkey lit, especially Julissa and I. We won't talk about what SHE did tho. Muahaha. I love being around my friends from highschool because are really the only people that understand me.

I sent Sami $100 in the mail and it's lost......

But anyway,
Let me tell yall something. These Puerto Rican boys be having that real dick...or should I say pinga?

Yesterday I took this boy's v-card. Well, that's what he said. He was screaming like a little bitch but he wasn't that tight. I mean, he was tight, but not vacuum-sealed tight like a virgin should be. Plus he knew to ride it first so that he could have control over the pace and strength of the thrust. Anyway, he's a cute boy but he'll be going back to PR soon. I think we been talking since like...February? The only thing is, he has like two patches of really weird caveman hair on his butt. It was such a turn off. How do you have a low fro on your ass tho?
 Ya know, people always make me out to be some sort of sexual monster preying on firm asses and wet lips but really, I always let the other person control the pace of the relationship. Meeting someone, I never expect to have sex unless they send me the hint. Sure, I'll fuck you til you vomit if you want.

Two weeks ago, I happened to be minding my business at work (actually I was making 44 small fries for a daycare order) and you know how you can just feel someone staring at you? I turned around and saw Enrique looking back at me. 

ENRIQUE FUCKING ROSADO.

I have never felt whatever it is that I felt in that moment...I took a moment to compose myself and chatted with him briefly. He had been here for a month and didn't say anything to me. We texted the rest of the day and come to find out, he actually works next door to me. I was so mad because it's not matter of telling me that you were here but if you wanted to see my black ass then you would have which tells me that you don't give a natural fuck about Trey. Then I found out he broke up with Yaniro and he's dating someone else. Someone that lives here. What the fuck? Does me flying my dumb ass to New York for you not mean anything at all? Like really? I absolutely can't with him. I'm just so done forreal. 

In this world, people will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. I DEMAND to be treated with care and respect. At a certain point, you just have to remove people from your life. BOOT! 

Maybe you're the one not good enough for me...

So Encore finally left his boyfriend. *cracks smile*

No but forreal. Kicked the nigga out and everything. I'm just so happy for him. He's even acting differently, more carefree. I'm excited to see him though. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
I swear we always argue about stupid shit. That's when I realized we are both really similar. We both do petty shit when we need to and then get mad and ignore each other then get about that too. The only difference being: I like to argue it out and be done with it. NEXT. He likes to "drop it" which really means act-like-I-dont-care-but-really-I-do and then harbor the feelings after.

Now that I think about it, he reminds me sooooo much of Justin. Everyone knows how much shit that nigga put me through. But the major difference is this: Justin drowned me in his own problems and Encore doesn't really let me in at all. But one thing is the same, I feel like both don't really listen to me when I talk to them. They also both have ulterior motives and like to do lowkey shit but whatever.

Let me make a long story short, Encore was facetiming this boy he started talking to who called me ugly upon noticing that I was there purely out of intimidation.

I went to pride with Encore just for him to have me around this ugly ass boogawolf boy who had the audacity to call me ugly despite trying to get with me just last year. Whatever. I should've painted the streets with his blood but I didn't. The boy got mad that he and I were walking around and not him, regardless if Encore is too blinded to see it. Encore had a major attitude with me which resulted in him telling me to drop it. The fuck? And I guess you can just say that I'm getting tired of his whole actions-dont-match-words routine. You talked about this boy was such a bum sleeping on a mattress in his living room but you're all over him at Pride. Fuck that. If a boy I was talking to called anyone of my close friends ugly before even saying hi, automatic dunzo. GOOTBYE, Maybe that's just me. He pissed me the fuck off. You tell me you miss me and when I'm here, you spend ALL FUCKING DAY on your phone.

I'm tired of wasting my time on people. Friends and otherwise. I spent most of my weekend with him and for what? The whole time four other entities were trying to hang out with me. I guess that says something about me.

Pride might as well be called "A Compilation of Awkward Moments of Eye Contact with Niggaz I Have Been Involved With".

KitKat is the best listener I know, that bitch will come at me about a nigga I mentioned 27 niggas ago lmfao

So do you guys remember Josh? Gave him a piece and now the nigga won't leave me alone hahaha. It's so crazy how tables turn. He's lowkey bummy and keeps begging me for ass and cigarettes.

So the other day I was hanging out with someone....I don't care to go into detail at this point but long story short, we were all drunk and a member of the party had been coming on to me all night. We drunkenly fucked and the next day it was insinuated that I forced myself onto him. Pauz. Go to my instagram, (@okaytrey). Look at my pics. Do it LUK LIKE I need to force myself onto anybody?? huh!? The kid don't want you nigga. It wasn't even good. Just a hole to stick my dick in.
I've mentioned this person by name plenty of times but for sake of comprehension I'm going to nickname him Winn Dixie. SO Winn Dixie told me to come to Pride only for me to see him holding hands with some other boy. Bruh, I'm soooo done.

I've recently been in contact with this boy named Efren, let's see how this goes.    

So I'm soooo glad Gay Marriage has been legalized and I think none of us really understand the gravity of it. I'm actually kind of bummed out because I really just can't imagine wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone much less someone who can put up with me for that long. I've never even been in a committed relationship with a boy. What the natural fuck. I'm going to be lonely all my life. I'm so done with the thot life (besides drunken Trey). Yall can have all that. You can have the one-night-stands. You can have these 107 unread messages on grindr. I just want an honest love.  

Cheetah Hunt

"'Cause I'm born to dance in the moonlight

I feel like spending my nights alone

I try to give you a little more space to grow

White lies, I don't wanna be around anymore

I'm through giving, I've got to go"

Am I chasing time? Cause I'm wasting all mine on you....

Before I start, I just want to remind everyone that my blog posts are not written in one day and they are not written in order. You might read something that says "last night", but I wrote it two weeks ago. Only I know when certain things have taken place. 

What I want people to understand about me is that being shady and mean comes alot easier to me than being nice. Slick comments come to mind way quicker than compliments. And I just say that to emphasis the fact that I don't really believe I'm an inherently nice person. I'm kind of in a bad mood writing this right now and that might be influential in this bit but whatever.

Really miss Jose (not my ex) and I don't really know why. This will be awkward now that he and Killa K aren't together.

I finally did talk to Yuly although it was really only because I was drunk. I slipped up and told Diane something that I thought she already knew but she didn't. Somehow, she found out. Anyway, I guess it doesn't matter because the info concerns Yuly not being a good friend in the first place. I don't really think her and I will get back to where we were, at least not anytime soon just because I don't really have the desire to be around her. Straight up.

SJ called me a Tramp and I died laughing!!! Who says that anymore? But hey, I'm gonna bring that back. Fucking tramps!

Saw a picture of Litebrite and for a split second, I missed his smile...then I remembered how much I can't stand him or his goof booty ass boyfriend.

Karissa and Toni Ann have been a bomb ass friends to me lately. Thanks.


You know, recently I've been feeling like people only really respond to me when they feel as though our relationship is endangered or when I'm mad at them. Encore, Andy, Josh....just a few to name. And It just seems like a new pattern. I spend time practically begging people whom are my friends to spend time with me, even offering to pay for whatever we do and no one should have to feel like they're begging for or buying someone's friendship.

This leads me into what's been going on with Encore. Well a couple weeks back he randomly stopped talking to me like I was getting accustomed to. I thought he was mad at me. You guys know how much I HATE being ignored. Well eventually let me know that he was "going through alot". Honestly, I loathe when people say that to me. I try not to say something like that to others because I never know exactly what someone else is going through. We all have our struggles, yeah? At the same time, I try to remember that everyone is different and everyone won't think and act the way that I do. When my dad had passed, everyone from the four corners of the Earth was contacting me. Did I want to talk to anyone at all? Heeeeell nah. But I did and tried my best not to ignore anyone. I really didn't want to punish anyone for something that had nothing to do with them and that's kind of how I felt he was doing to me. All I had ever done was be a rock and a shoulder for him while he was at odds with his boyfriend. Why ignore someone that's TAKING OFF WORK to hang out with you? Just to make sure you're okay. And I do that for most of my friends, whether they know it or not.

Then there was a spot of drama. I can't remember if I mentioned this, but his boyfriend and I used to talk like that back in the day. It didn't really go anywhere, I think I actually was involved with Cole at the time but that's a story for another day. We were actually supposed to meet up but I was busy, I believe something came up. Antyway, I say that to emphasize the fact that I have known the boyfriend longer than I have known Encore. Well, the boyfriend actually messaged me on IG then deleted the picture. Encore saw him before I did and told him before, so I guess it seemed like I was the one up to no good? Whatever. Two weeks later, I notice that the boyfriend blocked me on Instagram. OHKAY. I kind of took that as a Slap to the face because even when Encore tells me the crazy stuff he does, I find myself sometimes coming to his defense. I'm the one begging your boyfriend to let your ass back in the house after you dragged him with the car, so I'm not really who you should be making an enemy out of. And ya know, I wanted to confront him about it but of course, Encore didn't want me to. Out of respect for him, I didn't. Not saying I won't. just that I didn't, yet. I'm not Firecracker or Litebrite, and he knows that. I wish he would ever call me on some BS, I'll be over at Carlisle Lakes knocking on that door in a heartbeat.

Other than whatever problem he seems to have with me, I'm cool with him. Wish he could learn to act right so that we all could be friends and just hang out. It almost feels like as of lately, he's been keeping Encore from hanging out with me and know that's really the issue. In a way I feel like our friendship was really only convenient when he was having issues with his boyfriend. I had to tell myself to stop asking him to hang out because he went from constantly obliging me to doing the exact opposite. We became so close SO fast and that's really the reason why I care so much now. Had it been almost anyone else, his number wouldn't even be in my phone anymore. Not saying I didn't think about deleting it. Even three weeks ago, he left me hanging most of the day saying he was going to hang out with me and never came because his boyfriend "wouldn't let him" (I'll address that further along). The most eye-roll inducing moment was when he told me he would miss me over the summer, and I'm just like bish whet cuz I stayed two weeks longer partly so that we could hang out and you ain't even been trying. I guess the worse part is that because I haven't seen him, I haven't really gotten the chance to address this to him like I want, any attempt over text would just be blown off.
This whole thing with Encore reminds me of what happened with Brittani. Her head was so far up her girlfriend's ass that you couldn't have a conversation with her without her girlfriend coming up. We all got really tired of it and stop asking to even hang with her. And she didn't realize the propensity of what she had done until it was too late. By that time, we were all done with the bullshit. To this day, I don't even seek to make plans with her like that.

I hate that I feel this way now because he is such a genuine person and he probably doesn't even realize how I really feel. There is a great difference between a fuck nigga and man who makes mistakes and that's something we all should know. Sometimes I feel like Encore doesn't really know attractive he is. That was random lol. I guess I just wanted to spend more time with him. Yall know Im not used to having gay friends and when I look at him, I don't even see a gay friend, I see a friend. A great friend. One that could benefit from the passage of time. I'm just a little more hurt than anything else.

Well he texted me today and it really made me smile. I'm not quite sure why. 

When I write certain tidbits about certain people, I go back to previous blogs to remind myself what I have already said about them. I went back and realized that I never once said anything about this boy, whom I shall call Grande. I can't believe I never mentioned him because he was one of the first few guys that I made a connection with when I moved to Tampa. We even spent Halloween of 2013 together and he gave me some bomb ass head. I don't feel like going thru all the details but just know we have history. I have never really sought to make it official because....well, he's a hoe. A plain old hoe. He actually came over last night and before I fucked his brains out, he was all over Grindr like a damn hoe detective. His ass is a damn Sherlock Hoe. Anyway, as I'm preparing myself to get in his guts, he says "Do you know someone named Frank?"
This was my face.

Because that's the name of Encore's boyfriend.
Anyway, he actually was referring to a different Frank, a redhead who lived on campus and wanted to suck my dick real bad. So he proceeds to tell me that he and Frank broke into my apartment and walked into what the thought was my room, only to be surprised by my half-naked roommate. I was so creeped out. How did Frank even know what room was mine? That shit is high key creepy as fuck.

Anyway, so we get into it, and I'm going HAM on Grande. He doesn't like kissing or nipple play (two things I love the most) but he rode me like I was a mechanical bull. The whole time moaning in my ear, telling me to slow down cuz it was bigger than what he was used to. Maaaaaaan I may not have ever been that turned on in my life! Then he came first and was just like "okay I'm done"....

I had to finish myself and pretty much drowned in my own children.

So Joshua actually hit me up (why didn't I give him a nickname?) after weeks of being a fuck ass. Bruh, he had the nerve to say the only reason he hit me up was because it was horny.

He asked me for ass pics and of course I instructed him to ask his hoe Askia for some. Damn, I just spilled some bitter tea. N to the wayz, he got mad and once I told him to stop acting like a fuck nigga, and I'll stop treating him like one, he swore that he would do better. And he hasn't. I know he jealous from seeing Rollercoaster all over my snap (I'll get to him later). But, I honestly don't care. Like at all.

As for UCF, same situation. I won't even entertain anyone that can't fucking take 3 seconds to respond to my text but can be all over snapchat. Get the fuck out of here. You tell me that you don't wanna be treated like a sexual conquest but you never want to go out when you're here and even when I offer to come to you, you respond with some bullshit. I'm kind of over him. We can chill when he comes to town but that's where it stays.

You gotta understand the difference between someone who speaks to you in their free time and someone who frees their time to speak to you.

And of course, Carlos. All day saturday he was texting me talmbout he miss me then when I see him in the club, he act brand new. Then after the club he called me (I didn't answer). We were texting and I was just really done with his ass. He got mad and said I wasn't even that cute. That's cool. I guess your two friends in my inbox love my ugly ass and also your friend that was flirting with me in the club while you sat next to to him.

Meanwhile I'm worried about Pablo, Roberto, and the other Roberto. But nothing needs to be said about them yet.

So this boy named...Ha, you actually thought I was going to say his name. You know the procedure. So let's call him....Rollercoaster. Perfect. So he invited me to join him at Busch Gardens as a part of his project for his class. He lives in Orlando BTW. When saw pics of him, I thought he was really cute and interesting so I didn't mind obliging him. Originally it was supposed to 8 other people but it ended up just being 3 others, Rollercoaster and his two friends from Orlando. The idea was for the friends to have dates because they didn't care for each other and I was only there for my dude, so in a way, everyone was kinda vying for his attention. But let me tell you, ole boy was cute as hell. He has that kind of goofy nature that I like so much coupled with his genuine personality. You know I usually like my bottoms a little shorter and thicker but sexy is sexy.  He kind of reminds me of Andy, less intellect though. Not saying Rollercoaster is dumb, but I have never encountered a boy that mentally stimulates me like Andy does. I know there are all sorts of interesting things about Rollercoaster, and I'm just waiting to know them all. He really is just adorable. Nothing about him is inherently sexual and I like that. I've always felt like sex comes second to the emotional aspect. I really could sit here and write pages about all the things I like about him and how I feel, but no need. We kind of have moved extremely fast,  I mean, we were holding hands in public within an hour of us physically meeting. I tend to reciprocate whatever a suitor gives to me. He's a hottie and not a thottie so I don't mind people knowing that this is MY nigga. But see there's the problem. He's not really mine, and I say that to emphasize the fact that I am not his. It is almost a phenomenon for me to post anything concerning myself and another boy on social media and honestly I only really did it because he wanted me to. The only thing stopping me from declaring him my first boyfriend is the fact that he lives so far away. I really just can't do a long distance thing with anyone. So if he ever meets someone that lives close to him and decides to build something with them, then that's cool with me. Even if he had a one night stand, that's whatever. I'll be one jealous mofo though, straight up. We're not dating so what can I really say. It just sucks. It's been a while since I've found someone worth my mind, dick, and heart.

But let me tell you more about the day. His two friends came along and they didn't like each other. I almost felt dumb after Rollercoaster told me because it was painfully obvious to me after he did. Where I would say Rollercoaster doesn't know how attractive he is, I'd say his one friend thinks he is way more attractive than he is. He also kept portraying himself as an alcoholic all day long which really isn't attractive in the least.There were a few times I felt like he was cockblocking but its whatever. He may have been a bit jealous because at one point he was desperately trying to get someone to come be with him at the park. I might just be biased because really flamboyant black gay boys really annoy me. Does that make me racist? lol

Now, his other friend was pretty chill. He pretty much stayed on the phone with random people all day because he felt like no one was talking to him. He ended up just leaving early to wait at the front of the park which I felt was kind of dramatic but to each his own. I actually liked him better than the other friend.

He mentioned something on his snapstory about some boy being jealous of our snaps so of course I had to question him. I guess he had a thing with some crusty boy and this crusty boy had the absolute nerve to say I was ugly. Nigga you look like you got a pot of honey to be eating out of, Bitch I ain't Christopher Robin, Fuck outta here. #IzPigsFlyin?

Cuz it's you I would change for....

The Lying Game

"I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend

What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend

When the tears rolled down it's like you ain't even notice em

If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some"

 I usually don't feel the need to explain the titles of my blog posts and take pleasure in letting you decipher the meaning from within my blog. But I'll explain this one. I've been listening to The Crying Game by Nicki Minaj way tooooo often lately. For the last week, it just kind of has been echoing in the back of my head. (The lyrics aren't from the song though, they're from Bed of Lies). So this is kind of a play on words. Hence, The Lying Game. 

Also, "I'm angry but I still love you" has been stuck in my head for the longest. It really sums up a large motif of my life. 

Thank you all for your continued interest in lil ole me.....with your nosy ass. N to the Wayz, be sure to check out my Trigtionary as well as my Treyology page on the blog. Read on, hoes. 

(Damn, I used alot of GIFs in this one)

One more thing, last week someone asked me if my intention was to hurt people in some of the things I say on here. No, not at all. I try to be as honest to mine and as apathetic to yours as possible, tho, honestly. It's about MY story, and there's always a villain  in every story. Don't be mad if it's you, that's just how the story goes. And if you don't like that, well, rewrite the story...

My words.
Sweet enough to make you smile.


Soft enough to ease your strife.

Funny enough to incite your laughter.

Sharp enough to end your life.




How did I not know that Lance Bass was gay? He's gay as fuck!!

World STOP. I never really understood how sexy Chris Brown was. Jesus fix it! I bet his stroke game on point....

It's kind of interesting how some men don't even flinch when they cum. My ass be like a damn fish out of water lmfaoo

Jonathan and I have gotten closer this semester and I didn't really realize that until Diane mentioned it. I also want to be closer to Carlos just because I feel like he could be a bomb ass friend and even now I think if I needed him then he would be there for me.

I wanna stay in Tampa for a couple more weeks so one of my great friends reading this should let me stay with them *insert awkward emoji* I'll pay you in money and maybe dick.

I really have been working on my friendships man. I feel like my first year of college my hometown friends and I kind of fell off, well not fell off, but we didn't talk like we did before and like we do now.

Ultimately, I just want someone who sees all of my hues yet still I remain their favorite color..

You know I gave Josh a chance to prove himself to me but all he's proven thus far is that he is inconsiderate and selfish. I'm really getting tired of your shit.

Andy might just be the only one in my good graces. I think if was closer...we would be in a full-fledged relationship. I really care about him. But the distance man.

Let's get straight to this. Last night was a damn shit show. A hurricane full of fucking shit, fish heads, and old hot dog water.

Last night, Encore, LiteBrite, Firecracker, and Toni-Ann came over and we pregamed before going to the club. Encore and his boyfriend were having issues that day and he kept making remarks about he needed to get fucked up. I really should not have allowed to get that drunk because I knew he was in such a fragile emotional state. I think I did so because I'm usually always interested in how people are when they're intoxicated. Anyway, we ended up all pretty hammered. When I went outside to get LiteBrite, he was already getting unnecessarily close to me and even while drunk I kept telling him to fucking stop. When I would push him away, he would make it seem like I was the one flirting with him. No, get the actual fuck away from me. Oh shit. Forgot to mention: He has a boyfriend now. Let me digress.

On Thursday, he came over and told me has a boyfriend whom he had actually known for a week.

 

Now let me say this, I was initially very salty because when I did want something deeper then him, he kept putting it off and now all of a sudden you claiming a nigga you don't know the first thing about. Typical gay niggas, man. Anywayz, All that changed because he was basically talking shit about his own boyfriend, talmbout he only with him to get to his friend and what not. In that moment, I was so grateful that I never had the opportunity to be his boyfriend because why the fuck would I claim someone talking shit about me. I told LB to bring his boyfriend over. Also, its worth noting that LB was told by his "boyfriend" to stop talking to me. His boyfriend didn't know he was coming to MY place or even that LB was still in contact with me until he got here! Who does that? From jump, I knew the boyfriend felt awkward and was intimidated by my presence.

And on the way there, I could've sworn his dude said something about me being jealous.

I'm thaaaaaat nigga. You couldn't sit on my throne with your crusty ass.

Now back to last night, while we were all in the car, LB kissed Encore.

Yeah, I said that. The only two people in the car with boyfriends kiss each other. In my drunken mind, I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was mostly quiet because I was just trying to process that had happened. Then LB kept touching and rubbing me asking me what's wrong, if you have to ask, then you know you did something you weren't supposed to do. And then, I felt like everyone kept fucking questioning me over and over again to the point where I actually was mad. Then I felt like I was the only one who acknowledged that they kissed. Right after they did, LB said something to the effect of " We're both drunk and single now so it's okay". Let me also mention that LB lied to his dude and didn't tell him he was going out. Keeps getting better and better right?

So Encore's boyfriend is in Ybor and they see each other. I don't even know what was said but next thing I know, Encore left with him despite being in Ybor for all of 20 minutes, maybe. LB ended up leaving with God-knows-who and Firecracker had his dude pick him up.Before he left I was trying to talk to Corey but of course Firecracker wouldn't stop following us so that I could talk to him and just ended up dominating the conversation. Interestingly enough, LB's boyfriend ended up calling me and asking about his boyfriend and of course, I let him know.

After, I was a bit conflicted just because my loyalty was to LB, however, I felt like he had no loyalty to me, which..changes things.

As Toni and I are actually having fun now because all the drama is gone (no T, no shade). LB's boyfriend appears out of nowhere, asking me where he is, and telling me to call him...Later on he tells me that he doesn't believe LiteBrite was ever there because he never saw him. My nigga, you sound dumb as fuck. It's crazy because I have all but damn near screamed in this boy face that your boyfriend ain't shit and that's exactly why I don't want his ass. Desperation makes people say and do the most ridiculous things. Even after all this, I'm pretty sure they're still together. I don't know who to feel sorry for.

So about thirty minutes before Toni and I get ready to leave the club, Encore texts me and asks me to stay over because his boyfriend and him are fighting and that his ankle is broken and nipple piercing is ripped out. Even though I'm still reeling from the kiss at this point, I still decide that even if he's being a shitty friend that doesn't mean I have to be one too. Originally, I was going to get him then go home but of course, Firecracker wanted to inject himself into it. I really did not want him to go over there because Encore's boyfriend has already experienced him try to come at Encore in a romantic way. That nigga ain't never gonna be truly be happy with you around his man, and Firecracker just does not understand that.

Anyway, Firecracker came and got Toni and I and the three of us go get Encore. I definitely look worn down. They had been fist fighting and there was also something about someone getting dragged by a car. Cray-Cray. When it was finally just Encore and I, we had a deep conversation. All this time the only thing I could think about was his well-being and all he was concerned about was how I felt about him in regards to the kiss. You know I told him alcohol really is no excuse but at the same time, I know he was already in a very weak emotional state. Moreover, I believe anybody in the car could have kissed Encore if they wanted to. Litebrite was just the only one Thot enough to do so.

I actually ended up hanging out with both Encore and his boyfriend. Okay so lowkey, his boyfriend and I used to talk way back when but it was never anything serious in the least. While we were hanging out, he asked me how we knew each other from before. I didn't expect him to remember cuz I didn't at first. I probably wouldn'tve but coincidentally right before I met Encore, I actually went to the boyfriend's page after he liked one of my pics on IG. I saw that he had a boyfriend whom I would come to know as Encore. Antywayz, I really got to see that they really do argue over nothing. At one point they were actually arguing and didn't realize that they were saying the same thing as each other. It got kind of awkward so I left.

I feel that Firecracker sometimes puts on a front and I believe that's largely due to the fact that he is the youngest. I know that because I am the same way. When I'm around friends who are vastly older than I am, I try to disband any speech or action that is conducive to me being younger than them, however it usually works in the opposite way.

You know, for the longest I've been trying to figure out who encore reminded me of. then i realized: Usher. They have a similar head shape (and size?) (no shade). usher, of course, is much more smooth and sexy in everything he does *fans crotch*. The more I hang out with Encore, the more I find him to be goofy, which isn't a bad thing on the right guy. (Actually I would describe most of my close friends as goofy..Sami and sometimes Diane, so it speaks about my friendship). His most attractive feature is that he very laid back and really easy to talk to, which really makes me value my friendship with him. Similar to my friendship with Ralph, I feel that his personality evens out mine but at the same time, the animation of mine brings out the vivacity in his. Even though I have known Corey not that long, I admire him as an individual. Now as far as being in relationships, he kinda cray-cray, but perhaps that's for another blog post down the line. Ain't nothin better than a nigga that do exactly what see he gon do. When he says he gonna come over, he does. He hasn't flaked out on me yet and it sounds so obsurd but I'm just used to aint-shit ass niggas. Moreover, he is just a fucking man. He takes care of shit and in regards to his boyfriend, no matter what, he still got that nigga. That's exactly what I want, no matter what happens, you still got me at the end of the day. That shit is legit.

I've always subconsciously surrounded myself with people I can learn from and benefit from being friends with. I really admire every single one of my close friends...Diane, Sami, Karissa, Jonathan, Kristy (heyyyyy Europe) and hey, even Rachel...all of these individuals do both what they NEED to do and what the fuck they WANT to do (I think that will be my contribution to Encore's life. He often compromises himself for the sake of others. But sometimes, you have to do what YOU want to do).That is so beautiful to me. I've really surrounded myself with  crusty  lovely people who inspire many of my actions and thoughts. But they mostly have no clue that I feel that way. Sometimes we'll talk and they will mention things like being in fucking Paris or winning a sorority competition and I find myself being intimidated almost to the verge of tears. I'm trying to find myself and I have learned so much about myself but at the end of the day, I'm really the only person that will be able to really appreciate that. I wish I was that Trey I was in high school constantly concerned with KILLING everything. KILL KILL KILL. I guess I'm not him because I have been rejected due to over-qualification from positions on campus more conducive to my nature and experience. Subsequently, I have no desire to reach for greater things. I see this as more of a low point in my life. A hump to get over.

2013: Don't you know who the fuck I am?
2014: Everybody should know who I am.
2015: Who am I?

I really have to stop fronting. I need to come to terms with certain things. Sometimes I just lay in bed and ask myself tear-summoning questions. (Even now, I'm wiping away tears as I type this)

"What really happened to Rafael and I?"
"Why the fuck can't I keep a guy? Why do they all seem to have mental issues?"
"Why was I so callous towards my dad because I wasn't willing to show me love in the way I wanted? Why did I wait so long to forgive him? And it just seemed like it was too late.."

People tell me I'm strong but I don't really have a choice. I am and always will be the protector of my friends and family...but who the fuck is gonna protect me?