Hang It Up, Flatscreen.

I need to take back control of my life. It has been living me.

"Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya, I hope you feel the same"

When I look into the mirror, sometimes I see a king.
Sometimes, I see a little boy.
Sometimes, I see nothing.
Sometimes, I see a monster..

Thinking about my alter egos. Maybe I don't have 19. Some of them overlap, and it's time I let some go because they harbor memories and emotions of bad periods of time within my life. But I'm staying right here biiiiiiiitch! Love, Charlie.

Honestly, I won't say how many (though it's too many to count on two hands), but I have had many potential love interests this summer, both male and female. Some of them are so small that they haven't even been mentioned on this blog. I feel that I am in a constant search for someone temporarily gratify my emotions. I fall hard and fast, and put myself into crazy situations. I guess because I've never had a real relationship, I don't really have standards as to how I wish to feel in said relationship, only what I DON'T want to feel. Complicated.

The Greek God has become a resource of insight in my life, and I bet he doesn't even realize it. I am continually stunned by the realizations he has given me. He helped me understand this: When I meet a straight person, I know that I want them to become one of the following: friend, love interest, or have nothing to do with them. With meeting a guy in the lgbt world, the friend option is eliminated. Josh and Justin are really my first and only gay friends. I believe that my strong friendship with Justin is what ultimately lead me to see him in this different light.

Speaking of which, Today I had breakfast with him. Wait, rewind. Tuesday night, I went to Plur and then the beach with him. He was accompanied by his friends Celine and Daniece. I really wanted to dance with him, but due to the club being shut down, I never had that opportunity. I did dance with Celine though, dude, she knew what she was doing. If she wasn't Justin's best friend, I'd probably try to see wassup. She's cute. Anyway, so that night was really awkward because I saw someone who I will call "Bible Boy" for privacy's sake and also Josehan. Seemed like wherever Justin and I went, there they were lol. I'm cool with Josehan, well actually our "friendship" is very sometimey. But just last week, I told Bible Boy I never wanted to talk to him again. (I felt like he was trying to get with me, I gave him that chance two months ago. Long Story. Irrelevant now.) It was SO obvious we were trying to avoid them because when Josehan came over to our table at the beach, Justin and I got up and left and walked on the beach. (Funny how Justin and I always seem to be doing things that couples do, such as go on dates and take walks on the beach). So then our group rejoined us and we went on the pier. As we stood there, Justin was talking to someone and said he had a boyfriend. I felt my motherfucking diaphragm,liver,and allat tear right out of my stomach.
"Oh you have a boyfriend?"
"Yeah..I was gonna tell you, but I never got a chance.."
We slowly start to leave the pier, and we pass Josehan and Bible Boy. I grab Justin's hand and walk by them, just because. I let go then he asks if I'm upset. I CLEARLY am. But I lie and say no. Do what makes you happy. I get in my car and leave but before I do, he tells me something that has been echoing in my mind.
(Something to the effect of:) "At this point, I think I care more about you than I do myself".

FAST FORWARD. Today were at breakfast )just him and I once again. And he starts talking about this one boy that we both know, recently confessed his feelings for Justin. I felt that he was making a mockery out of it. That made me feel VERY uncomfortable. Who's to say he hasn't just casually told someone about what I told him, and downplayed it? I don't think he took me seriously, and that's a problem for me. When I left, I felt more annoyed than anything. I've also realized that my feelings for him are stronger when I'm actually around him or talking to him (or typing blog posts), other than that, he is usually not on my mind. I have clearly destroyed any normalcy in the friendship we share, and it might just be time for me to pull one of my disappearing acts. AJ, Bible Boy, and Miggie have faced that same verdict. And I haven't looked back yet. And honestly, when I brought the topic of something b/w Chino and I to some of our mutual friends...I pretty much got a negative response. They don't think I should be with him. And I don't either. But the heart wants what it wants. *cuts heart out with plastic knife*

I randomly just thought about something. AJ is sexy as hell. Hmm.

So now you're wondering about Comcast. But so am I lol. I DO like SOMETHING about him. But there's also something I DON'T like. And idk. He is really feeling me,and...I'm not feeling the same. I know, alot diff than my last post. It might have something to do with the fact that he is constantly blowing my phone up. And I don't understand how you don't want anyone to know about us, but you post on my wall?? Just letting it sit on the backburner for now. Stay tuned.

Hi,it's Charlie. I'm gonna rant about work. I absolutely can not stand when the people in the grill get mad when I ask for food. 1) Bitch you get paid to make sandwiches!!!! 2) SO WHAT IF YOU MADE IT ALREADY? It obviously was taken by someone else, I didn't eat it,you assbag. 3) Shut the fuck up! Okay I'm done.

I've been talking to Terence lately..We made up. And he said something that actually brought a tear to my eye. He told me that despite everything, he was proud of me when Graduation came. I love people who gives props where props are due.

*changes song to Pretty Wings by Maxwell*

Readers, I leave you with this. Words from someone I find quite interesting.  And they describe my entire summer as you have read.
"I'm constantly meeting new people and ignoring the ones who have actually taken time out if their lives to continually seek my attention. I guess I think they don't deserve me. I carry the self confidence and narcissism you can only attain when at one point in your life you've had none. Maybe I'm scared they'll find out too much about me and begin to dislike me. Or maybe i simply lose interest. I get bored as easily as I fall in love."

Comments?

He Don't Know Me But He Settin Up To Blow Me,UNH!

First things first, I have gotten into the habit of titling my blog posts with a line from a song. This one comes from Nicki Minaj's verse in "Love More" by Chris brown, and can be heard here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPzn7kwrHJc

BTW those random pictures that you see are GIFS (which means they move). I use them to express emotion. I don't think they move if you are reading this on mobile

I REAAALLY appreciate the comments that are sometimes left on my blog. Please continue to do that. You can choose to be anonymous or leave your name. Either does not affect me. Your thoughts influence mine. I really wanna hear your thoughts on what's going on in my life.

Feel free to ask me questions at ask.fm/TreyZolanski as well :)

Okay I also wanna say that my life typically does not revolve around my love interests. However, I think it has contributed to my evolution as an individual this summer, hence why my blog posts revolve around it...for now.

This morning I had an unusually extensive conversation with JC the Greek God. He is very intellectual and while Charlie or Brooklyn usually talk to people, I, the Forever Dreamer, was able to converse naturally with him and didn't feel it necessary to "dumb" myself down. He mentioned AJ and I thought it was interesting how he told me EXACTLY what Chino, Julisa, Myra, and other people had told me about him. I'm happy that I was able to end it before anything really started. I'm not trying to take care of you or be your sugar daddy. Interestingly enough, AJ never tried any of that with me anyway. Oh well, I no longer talk to Adrian. Be with Ryan. Shit, I wouldn't mind somebody taking care of me lmfaoo. In a way, the only foolish thing about it is expecting everyone else to do the same for you.

And after talking to Josh, I realized that I am socially powerful. I know how to talk to people to get them to tell me what I want to know, I know how to become acquainted with people, and I know how to make people know only what I want them to know. And I'm good at reading people and realizing their intentions. Go me.


*takes deep breath* Let me update you on Chino. 2 nights ago, we were on the phone. Then we started talking about things I had mentioned on the blog about him (going to dinner with him, feelings attached, blase blase). He told me that at one point of time, before the blowup, he felt something for me. I was utterly shocked. I usually always get when someone has feelings for me, but not this time. And I think that knowledge of whatever he felt for me, would definitely have altered the way in which our friendship progressed. So after he told me all this, I felt the need to tell how I felt. Allow me to share the essence of what I told him, to you. I like Justin. Simple. Despite knowing his past, I like him. What has always stopped me from seeing that is thought that I wasn't good enough for him. I don't look like AJ, or Kevin...or his new guy Robbie. I guess while I might not be the most attractive guy, I have my personality (saying that makes me feel a hell of alot uglier lol) and my future. And my intelligence and extreme uniqueness. So after I told him all this and then some, I asked him to do me one favor.

I told him, " Tell me you don't have feelings for me anymore. If it's true, I want you to tell me"
I don't know what I expected him to say...but this is what he said:

"Trey...I don't have feelings for you"


It's not often that I put myself in the way of rejection, but dude, I was standing on I-75 and Rejection was a bus full of foreign tourists that hit me hard. Hard. I said the corniest thing after that which I won't mention, but I really didn't want Chino to know how much it affected me. I started to crave KFC chicken.  He was really upset about it as well, and couldn't continue to talk OTP after that...Now he's on his way to Legoland to see Robbie. I hate Legos.

Have you ever experience rejection? I wanna know your story..

Once you read this next part, you will be utterly confused. Just a warning.

Okay, so  I don't know if i mentioned this in my last post, but the last time I went to see AJ, some guy was at their house. He seemed kind of feminine to me, but the Roomate told me he was straight and just like to hang out with gay people. hmmph. Well that guy, I'll call him Comcast. He hit me up when I was in drive-thru at work and all that I'm about to tell you occurred right before I had that conversation with Chino that I just spoke about (try to keep up). He told me he wanted to chill because I seemed like a cool dude. I had nothing to do so I agreed. I went to get him and we went to walmart and wendy's. I kept noticing the small things he would do, like touch my arm gingerly and occasionally bump into me. I was so confused haha. I was talked, I really noticed his spontaneity. He also kept flattering me lol. He knew who the fuck he was sitting next to. We got to the park and I just asked him, what's your sexuality. He told me he didn't like to be labeled as anything (so really bisexual). I was cool with that. Before I knew it, we were holding hands.Then kissing. Before I dropped him off, he gave me his bracelet and told me if I was down for him, he was down for me. Ever since then, has been wanting to spend time with me and always lets me know that he thinks about me. And talks to me regularly. AND HE NEVER EVEN TRIED ANYTHING WITH ME SEXUALLY. YES! YES! YES!

Now you're asking, "Well, why are you worrying about Justin if you have this great ass guy?" WELL the answer to that is simple: Idk. Justin has been in my life longer and I really need this to be settled. But that won't stop me from being with Comcast. Nope. I guess there's hope for me after all :) This guy is playing his cards right.

Randomly thought about Alaizsha. Hmm.

Today I killed a snake in my lanai. I swear I felt like Hercules after. Tssss.


Just wanna thank Myra Porto for always being there for me. Love you. 

..But You Ain't A King

"It's not your fault
I'm a bitch
I'm a monster
Yes I'm a beast
And I feast
When I conquer
But I'm alone
On my throne
All these riches"

While this isn't my favorite Nicki Minaj song, it definitely is the one I connect to the most. I think of it as I'm pushing people away. Not intentionally. But something about me just pushes others away, especially those I may need in my life. I (could) have everything in the world, but love just isn't one of them.

Let me digress. My mom did the CREEPEST thing she has ever done in my life. I told her I was leaving at 8 to go out with friends. She said okay but I guess she had plans too. Then all of sudden she goes to saying how I need to ask her if she's busy before I make plans. UMMM Korrine is not MY daughter, she's yours. SO, you should expect an 18-year old to have a social life and ask ME if I'm not doing anything and if I can watch YOUR daughter. But whatever, not the point. So she left after saying she'd be back in time. 8 comes, she's not here. 9 comes, she's not here. 10 comes, she's not here. My plans got ruined (see further down) anyway but its the principle. When she came home, she knew better than to provoke Hurricane Trey, she didn't even come into my room to say anything (which is a good thing for her). I don't plan on talking to her anytime soon.

So I was kinda upset that AJ flaked out on our plans last night. I know he probably didn't mean it maliciously but then again, when everyone else is always flaking out on me, then I'm never going to really be understanding about it, if that makes sense.
With that being said, I've come to realize that reliability is most important to me. When we make plans or you say you're gonna do something, I should just be able to trust that you will come through for me, and not have to remind you or feel like I'm pestering you about it.

You know, my feelings have been hurt alot lately, and I haven't truly communicated that to really any of my friends. While I always have all of my Alter Egos on deck, usually one or two is more prominent depending on the various phases I go through. Maybe I should introduce myself. I am X. I am the unknown and misunderstood. I am the void between the AE's. Where there is no one, there is X. I digress, lately Charlie really has been taking control in my life, however, all he wants to do is have fun and is often blind to the bad treatment he has been getting. King Vladimir clearly has not had that much of a presence lately. He always just made moves, and was so focused on himself, that no one else got to him. He often came off as a dick or a bitch, but at least he never found himself sulking and being pathetic late at night in his royal quarters.

I want my big brother to come home - Charlie

Can we go back to AJ please?? I MIGHT be interested in him..idk dude. He's not my physical type, but there is just something there. I love talking to him and being around him. And there is just something that I really like about him but I can't put my finger on it. hmm.

 But IF and WHEN something ever does happen between us...I can imagine all hell breaking loose. But tigers don't sleep over the opinion of sleep.

I hope I see that cute girl from the roundup tomorrow at orientation...hmm.

I 'm gonna this session by thanking Julissa for being there for me lately. She always is reminding me that she loves me and really has just been holding me down. <3 <3 <3

My Crush on the Greek God And Other Nonsense

This is long overdue. I need to move to Tampa already. I'm getting too comfortable in my surroundings, thus making me uncomfortable. I want everyone to know my name, but not my story, and my story seems to be like a bestseller around these parts. I need the relocation to replenish the vivacity of my soul

Right now, I need one big apple instead of the 6 small ones I'm juggling right now. Wouldn't be easier to hold one big apple, instead of six? Especially if the combined weight of the 6 equals that of the 1?

So, my big crush on JC....I don't know anymore. I'm surprised that he actually went through my pics. Surprised that he liked some and commented one. Surprised that we were messaging. But not surprised that that's where it stopped. I didn't think he would remember that night on my birthday but he did. Turns out he was just as embarrassed as I was, go figure.  I call him a crush because I know I don't have a chance with him. He is like a greek god, everything is just so attractive about him. And that's exactly why I probably couldn't take being with him anyways. There's always like a bajillion (lol) guys trying to get at him on his page. I am that jealous dude. I'm just tripping. And after meeting Jojo tonight ( fun as hell) I don't want to get caught up in something I just can't deal with right now. I guess what I'm saying is: I want somebody that's MY somebody. We don't have to be dating (officially) or have any titles for me to feel like you should be mine and mine only. Maybe I'm trippin.

I don't sweat it because I know my time is coming.

I need more female attention.

So Sid called me around 8 this morning...I don't really understand what his intentions are, but if something is gonna happen then it needs to happen. I mean, he has a girlfriend. Yes, I said that right. No, I'm not a homewrecker. He is in control, but hold on, let me grab the helm.

Yesterday I went to the movies with Dad. It was fun, but at the same time, I feel like I was forced to spend time with him. I know that's not natural and I hate feeling that way. But realistically, he's the one that made me feel that way. And he'll never understand.

It was so hard trying to keep this birthday thing a secret from Myra, but at the same time, it was causing too much stress on all parts. I really like for things to be organized, which is why I just decided to just call her and ask her what she wanted to do and set it up. Not that hard.

Sometimes we let our emotions keep us from making decisions that are ultimately better for our own greater good. What's pleasing in the present may not be such in the future. And trust me when I say a fling is not worth the emotional turmoil after. Is there really such thing as "Friends w/ benefits" and have absolutely no strings attached?

Feel free to comment below. Your thoughts inspire mine.