Hash Towns and Thot Pride

"I seen a rainbow yesterday

But too many storms have come and gone

Leavin' a trace of not one God-given ray

Is it because my life is ten shades of gray?"

I really want to take a moment to say, R.I.P. to JQ, my coworker, Jessica's, son. If you can hear me, your mom loved you so much and I know she will be broken for a very long time. Rest in Paradise.

Jessica asked me to recite the poem I wrote for her at his funeral. I was initially mad nervous not because of the speaking in front of people aspect, but because of the atmosphere. 

It's been months and still I shed tears over someone who was never really mine to begin with...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Rique and I decided to be together and he kept his plan of moving here..I think I would be much happier honestly. Every single day, I question the intensity of the feelings I had have for him...Was I, Am I, or have ever been in love with this nigga?

Thinking about making up with Shai Ann.

I also found out my dad's wife bought both of her sons new cars with his life insurance money. I haven't gotten anything. I'd slash her damn tires but they would know it was me. And she also added my mom on facebook from my dad's facebook account, which is creepy as hell. She's obsessed with us.

N to the Wayz, I'm sooooo excited for Nicki on July 20th!!! Yassss. Diane is going too so it will be a weekend to remember.

Alabama was the fucking trip I needed! Any time I can spend with Jonathan, Sami, and Diane, I would do anything for. It's not often that you can find people whom you can have an amazing time with without actually doing shit. I didn't realize how much I missed Sami dude. We made sooo many memories and insiders and I'll sum it up in a couple key phrases

"It's 9:30"
"Azz Phat"
"Where's Bruce?"
"Can we go get hash towns?"
"We're going to the Booty Dome"
"Get off the bed"
"*Insert WWE impersonation*"
"It's over"
"Pink Panty Dropper"
"Jon Johnson"
"*Insert Iggy Bad Rapping Vines*"
"LEBRON JAMES"

Jon-Jon also got super drunk and was relinquishing juicy details of his life to me (much of which I already knew). The door was cracked and we thought Sami was in her roomate's room. Imagine my surprise to walk out the room and see this bitch sitting next to the door. She heard everything Jonathan was saying. I died.

Of course, there was a little bit of drama with Kristy. I had to really the middle man since I'm the one closest to all. One thing we all need to realize is that this isn't high school anymore and the rules have changed. You can't really fault people for living their life nor expect them to live it in a way that pleases you. I really wish that Brittani and Julissa would let Kristy have a backbone of her own. I'm only really speaking from what I personally have seen but it always seemed to me that they would constantly come to her defense when it came to Jonathan. Meanwhile, people like Diane and I, see and hear things but choose not to really divulge our opinions because it makes no sense to defend or talk rationally to a person who will keep making the same mistake. Sometimes you can't tell a person that fire is hot, they have to be burned themself.

Ya know, Tampa Pride 2015 was my first Pride and lemme tell ya sumtin, it was truly a day to be remembered. I went with Booz and her girlfriend whom I kept wanting to call Dej Loaf in my drunken mentality. They are such a great fucking couple ugh I was so jealous. IT was great to be in the company of people as nice and generous as I am, Booz got me tipsy she and her girl offered me breakfast and offered to buy me Wawa. Ya'll know I don't really like people paying for my shit but it's nice when someone offers.

I met up with Carlos and honestly he looks pretty aight. His butt is...*puts tongue back in mouth*. Antyways, but he's very clingy and was trying to hold my hand and shit. Nah lol. While I was standing next to him, I actually saw three boys I used to talk to soooo I don't need anyone thinking I'm taken. I eventually told him I'd catch up to him later and went to meet up with LiteBrite. He had gotten drunk by someone old sugar daddies buying him and this other boy (I'll get to that) drinks. To get to the juicy part quicker, we met this other boy who was LiteBrite's friend/ somebody he wanted to fuck (?) and this boy met up with another guy whom I have actually dealt with before. Isn't this complicating? Welcome to Gayland, everyone. Outside of Gbar, this "friend" (whose name slips my mind), actually kept making eye contact with da muthafuckin kid and even at one point had his arm around me. Jesus! I can't keep track myself! I guess I should explain that the clubs opened up around 3 after the parade and all had free entry. LiteBrite was drunk and was all over me in the club. It was okay because I was still tipsy too and no one important was in the club. We met up with his friend whom I shall call Firecracker. Firecrackers are nice to look at when they're in the sky but you have to be careful them bitches cuz they will burn the shit out of you if really try to hold on to them .

So I was aware of the fling that occurred between Firecracker and Litebrite and was not bothered in the least by being in his presence. Firecracker was not. The conversation that followed consisted of him asking all kinds of awkward questions like "Who has a bigger dick?", "Who's sex was better?". Of course I wasn't fazed but it was definitely an awkward turtle swimming in an awkward ocean for Litebrite. Nigga do you know who I am? You can never be bothered with a crown sitting on your head.

Soon after, we meet up with this guy whom I shall deem, "Encore". So Encore is Firecracker's friend who is dating another boy whom I briefly kinda sorta talked to. It really only consisted of snapchatting and kiking, nothing memorable or serious. Now, Firecracker kind of implied that there was something going on with him and Encore despite the latter being in a relationship. However, that was clearly not the case lol. We went to this Italian place for drinks and...well we were all a bit tipsy, me more than anyone (of course). We then went back into Liquid (Firecracker snuck in because he's underage).

This is what was going on. We're standing on the dance floor. Firecracker is attempting to dance with Encore and at one point it look like he was almost wrestling him off but hey maybe that was the likka in me. Litebrite is looking at Encore with intent in his drunken eyes. This boy I used to fuck with last year (who has some weird speech impediment) was trying to be all over me every 5 minutes. At the same time, I'm noticing another guy staring me down and I'm planning on how I'm going to get his number (which I did). So Firecracker's belly button started to bleed and when he went to the bathroom Litebrite and Encore were dancing with each other which I knew was going to be a problem. Encore and Firecracker left together and I left with Litebrite who proceeded to tell me how much he was into Encore on the car ride home.

Now, I know that many of you were really rooting for something serious between LB and I. But that night, I finally laid any intent of that to rest. I will never be in a relationship with him. I can't even say that I have come to accept it because that would mean it was something I want. I'm not sad or upset, but I figured that he would be a little more respectful towards me but that was not the case. Not even that but how do you go from callin me your nigga to trying to get at the next one in front of me. But I'm thankful for clarification. I'm going to try my best to keep it on a friend basis which doesn't involve my penis inside of him.

I guess I'm kinda being hypocritical because I may have been leading on this other boy named Carlos whom I mentioned earlier in the blog. I think he maybe thought him and I were something serious so imagine how he felt seeing my arm around LiteBrite..I drunkenly tried to confront him about it because he decided to dance with crusty niggas in club to get my attention. Nah homie, see the only thing that did was raise your crust percentage and you were already on the edge so I'm sorry your request for the dick has been permanently denied.

Since friday he (LiteBrite) been chilling with this nigga at least three times. I almost don't even wanna write this but I have to remember that this is for me not and not you guys. With that being said, I'm not even bothered by the fact that they're chilling, more so that he also lies to me and tells me that he's sooo busy. Clearly that's bullshit. And to see your arm wrapped up in his and him kissing you on the cheek....does something to me. I could feel the anger pulsing in my veins. Do I have feelings for him that I would like to not admit? Or is it just the fact that I don't have him in my pocket like I did before? Perhaps. I remember in high school, my (kinda sorta ex) Rashon was into Broayan Gamero and I could see them getting closer. Suddenly I felt things for Rashon, that I didn't. But as soon as I felt I had ripped him away from Broayan, it went back to him annoying the shit out of me once again and I stopped being into him. Moral of story: I don't want his ass, but I don't want you to have him either.....

Encore and I are actually becoming really good friends. He's not ugly, he can dress, and he knows how to have a good time, all characteristics of my friends. I'm really milking this because it's not often I have a gay friend that I'm not fucking or trying to fuck...actually this might be the first time. He's also the perfect mix of sophisticated and ratchet, like yours truly.

Moving on, I started talking to this boy named Todd and he left as quickly as he came. And for once, I mean that in the most non-sexual way *giggles*. Long story short, he talks about being this bad bitch and idolizes Lil Kim (Strike 1) to the point where he's uploaded whack ass rhymes to Soundcloud and even has a picture reminiscent of her iconic spread-eagle pose where he holds whatever the fuck he has between his legs in one hand and a toy gun in the other. It might just be the most crusty picture I have ever seen. If you really wanna see, you'll find it on Facebook. He also told me that he lost his job because he had been stealing money (Strike 2). Umm...what bad bitch do you know steals? Antyway, he came to pick me up and I was immediately repulsed by the cheap botox injections he had done. A part of his face resembled cream cheese honestly. I hate cream cheese......Anyway, he kept referring to himself in third person and kept talking as if he was on the radio or something. The funny thing is, he really wasn't attractive at all. Dude, his ass was so flat (Strike 3, 4, 5 and 6). I managed to leave him and meet two other guys at the club. That was dope. He clearly didn't care cuz he left my ass haha.

Remember Fabulous from the last blog? He was basically jealous of seeing other niggas on my snapchat so I deleted him from both snapchat and life.

Then there's Fredo..I don't even know about that. He's definitely cute but I'm still trying to feel him out. He's different and I'm feeling it. I'm just tryna get your attentionnnnnn *usher voice*

I've recently been chilling with this guy named Chris (Khriz). I'll keep you updated on him. I might have to slay his psycho ex boyfriend who left a gash in his hand with a knife and blew up his phone with he was with me. Then like two days later, Chris literally disappeared from my life. Gone on facebook, not answering my calls...typical.

Lastly, do you all remember back in September-October the mess that was Andy? If you don't, refer back to "Gin, Roti, and a Bed of Lies: Part 1". So recently, Andy added me back on snapchat and next thing I know, he was here at my place. We talked thoroughly about everything that had happened and for one of the few times in my life, I felt remorseful for something I had done. I wish we lived closer together because honestly, him and I have such a deep connection which is strange for me to have. It makes me crave his body, his lips, his kiss..

You know how they say money can't buy happiness? So kinda like you could have all the material wealth in the world but it wouldn't mean anything emotionally? That's kind of how I feel with men. I clearly have no issue getting attention. But all the physicality means nothing without actual emotion behind it. When they cum and they're empty...I'm empty inside.

It's crazy cuz I went to see Fast 7 with Carlos (from high school, I know way too many Carlos's) and I had this thought. He kept asking me if I wanted anything from the concession and at McDonalds and I just wanna say it's crazy that my straight guy friends treat me way better than these gay niggas.

Bye tho.