The Lying Game

"I just couldn't understand and I couldn't defend

What we had, what we shared, and I couldn't pretend

When the tears rolled down it's like you ain't even notice em

If you had a heart, I was hoping you that would've showed it some"

 I usually don't feel the need to explain the titles of my blog posts and take pleasure in letting you decipher the meaning from within my blog. But I'll explain this one. I've been listening to The Crying Game by Nicki Minaj way tooooo often lately. For the last week, it just kind of has been echoing in the back of my head. (The lyrics aren't from the song though, they're from Bed of Lies). So this is kind of a play on words. Hence, The Lying Game. 

Also, "I'm angry but I still love you" has been stuck in my head for the longest. It really sums up a large motif of my life. 

Thank you all for your continued interest in lil ole me.....with your nosy ass. N to the Wayz, be sure to check out my Trigtionary as well as my Treyology page on the blog. Read on, hoes. 

(Damn, I used alot of GIFs in this one)

One more thing, last week someone asked me if my intention was to hurt people in some of the things I say on here. No, not at all. I try to be as honest to mine and as apathetic to yours as possible, tho, honestly. It's about MY story, and there's always a villain  in every story. Don't be mad if it's you, that's just how the story goes. And if you don't like that, well, rewrite the story...

My words.
Sweet enough to make you smile.


Soft enough to ease your strife.

Funny enough to incite your laughter.

Sharp enough to end your life.




How did I not know that Lance Bass was gay? He's gay as fuck!!

World STOP. I never really understood how sexy Chris Brown was. Jesus fix it! I bet his stroke game on point....

It's kind of interesting how some men don't even flinch when they cum. My ass be like a damn fish out of water lmfaoo

Jonathan and I have gotten closer this semester and I didn't really realize that until Diane mentioned it. I also want to be closer to Carlos just because I feel like he could be a bomb ass friend and even now I think if I needed him then he would be there for me.

I wanna stay in Tampa for a couple more weeks so one of my great friends reading this should let me stay with them *insert awkward emoji* I'll pay you in money and maybe dick.

I really have been working on my friendships man. I feel like my first year of college my hometown friends and I kind of fell off, well not fell off, but we didn't talk like we did before and like we do now.

Ultimately, I just want someone who sees all of my hues yet still I remain their favorite color..

You know I gave Josh a chance to prove himself to me but all he's proven thus far is that he is inconsiderate and selfish. I'm really getting tired of your shit.

Andy might just be the only one in my good graces. I think if was closer...we would be in a full-fledged relationship. I really care about him. But the distance man.

Let's get straight to this. Last night was a damn shit show. A hurricane full of fucking shit, fish heads, and old hot dog water.

Last night, Encore, LiteBrite, Firecracker, and Toni-Ann came over and we pregamed before going to the club. Encore and his boyfriend were having issues that day and he kept making remarks about he needed to get fucked up. I really should not have allowed to get that drunk because I knew he was in such a fragile emotional state. I think I did so because I'm usually always interested in how people are when they're intoxicated. Anyway, we ended up all pretty hammered. When I went outside to get LiteBrite, he was already getting unnecessarily close to me and even while drunk I kept telling him to fucking stop. When I would push him away, he would make it seem like I was the one flirting with him. No, get the actual fuck away from me. Oh shit. Forgot to mention: He has a boyfriend now. Let me digress.

On Thursday, he came over and told me has a boyfriend whom he had actually known for a week.

 

Now let me say this, I was initially very salty because when I did want something deeper then him, he kept putting it off and now all of a sudden you claiming a nigga you don't know the first thing about. Typical gay niggas, man. Anywayz, All that changed because he was basically talking shit about his own boyfriend, talmbout he only with him to get to his friend and what not. In that moment, I was so grateful that I never had the opportunity to be his boyfriend because why the fuck would I claim someone talking shit about me. I told LB to bring his boyfriend over. Also, its worth noting that LB was told by his "boyfriend" to stop talking to me. His boyfriend didn't know he was coming to MY place or even that LB was still in contact with me until he got here! Who does that? From jump, I knew the boyfriend felt awkward and was intimidated by my presence.

And on the way there, I could've sworn his dude said something about me being jealous.

I'm thaaaaaat nigga. You couldn't sit on my throne with your crusty ass.

Now back to last night, while we were all in the car, LB kissed Encore.

Yeah, I said that. The only two people in the car with boyfriends kiss each other. In my drunken mind, I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was mostly quiet because I was just trying to process that had happened. Then LB kept touching and rubbing me asking me what's wrong, if you have to ask, then you know you did something you weren't supposed to do. And then, I felt like everyone kept fucking questioning me over and over again to the point where I actually was mad. Then I felt like I was the only one who acknowledged that they kissed. Right after they did, LB said something to the effect of " We're both drunk and single now so it's okay". Let me also mention that LB lied to his dude and didn't tell him he was going out. Keeps getting better and better right?

So Encore's boyfriend is in Ybor and they see each other. I don't even know what was said but next thing I know, Encore left with him despite being in Ybor for all of 20 minutes, maybe. LB ended up leaving with God-knows-who and Firecracker had his dude pick him up.Before he left I was trying to talk to Corey but of course Firecracker wouldn't stop following us so that I could talk to him and just ended up dominating the conversation. Interestingly enough, LB's boyfriend ended up calling me and asking about his boyfriend and of course, I let him know.

After, I was a bit conflicted just because my loyalty was to LB, however, I felt like he had no loyalty to me, which..changes things.

As Toni and I are actually having fun now because all the drama is gone (no T, no shade). LB's boyfriend appears out of nowhere, asking me where he is, and telling me to call him...Later on he tells me that he doesn't believe LiteBrite was ever there because he never saw him. My nigga, you sound dumb as fuck. It's crazy because I have all but damn near screamed in this boy face that your boyfriend ain't shit and that's exactly why I don't want his ass. Desperation makes people say and do the most ridiculous things. Even after all this, I'm pretty sure they're still together. I don't know who to feel sorry for.

So about thirty minutes before Toni and I get ready to leave the club, Encore texts me and asks me to stay over because his boyfriend and him are fighting and that his ankle is broken and nipple piercing is ripped out. Even though I'm still reeling from the kiss at this point, I still decide that even if he's being a shitty friend that doesn't mean I have to be one too. Originally, I was going to get him then go home but of course, Firecracker wanted to inject himself into it. I really did not want him to go over there because Encore's boyfriend has already experienced him try to come at Encore in a romantic way. That nigga ain't never gonna be truly be happy with you around his man, and Firecracker just does not understand that.

Anyway, Firecracker came and got Toni and I and the three of us go get Encore. I definitely look worn down. They had been fist fighting and there was also something about someone getting dragged by a car. Cray-Cray. When it was finally just Encore and I, we had a deep conversation. All this time the only thing I could think about was his well-being and all he was concerned about was how I felt about him in regards to the kiss. You know I told him alcohol really is no excuse but at the same time, I know he was already in a very weak emotional state. Moreover, I believe anybody in the car could have kissed Encore if they wanted to. Litebrite was just the only one Thot enough to do so.

I actually ended up hanging out with both Encore and his boyfriend. Okay so lowkey, his boyfriend and I used to talk way back when but it was never anything serious in the least. While we were hanging out, he asked me how we knew each other from before. I didn't expect him to remember cuz I didn't at first. I probably wouldn'tve but coincidentally right before I met Encore, I actually went to the boyfriend's page after he liked one of my pics on IG. I saw that he had a boyfriend whom I would come to know as Encore. Antywayz, I really got to see that they really do argue over nothing. At one point they were actually arguing and didn't realize that they were saying the same thing as each other. It got kind of awkward so I left.

I feel that Firecracker sometimes puts on a front and I believe that's largely due to the fact that he is the youngest. I know that because I am the same way. When I'm around friends who are vastly older than I am, I try to disband any speech or action that is conducive to me being younger than them, however it usually works in the opposite way.

You know, for the longest I've been trying to figure out who encore reminded me of. then i realized: Usher. They have a similar head shape (and size?) (no shade). usher, of course, is much more smooth and sexy in everything he does *fans crotch*. The more I hang out with Encore, the more I find him to be goofy, which isn't a bad thing on the right guy. (Actually I would describe most of my close friends as goofy..Sami and sometimes Diane, so it speaks about my friendship). His most attractive feature is that he very laid back and really easy to talk to, which really makes me value my friendship with him. Similar to my friendship with Ralph, I feel that his personality evens out mine but at the same time, the animation of mine brings out the vivacity in his. Even though I have known Corey not that long, I admire him as an individual. Now as far as being in relationships, he kinda cray-cray, but perhaps that's for another blog post down the line. Ain't nothin better than a nigga that do exactly what see he gon do. When he says he gonna come over, he does. He hasn't flaked out on me yet and it sounds so obsurd but I'm just used to aint-shit ass niggas. Moreover, he is just a fucking man. He takes care of shit and in regards to his boyfriend, no matter what, he still got that nigga. That's exactly what I want, no matter what happens, you still got me at the end of the day. That shit is legit.

I've always subconsciously surrounded myself with people I can learn from and benefit from being friends with. I really admire every single one of my close friends...Diane, Sami, Karissa, Jonathan, Kristy (heyyyyy Europe) and hey, even Rachel...all of these individuals do both what they NEED to do and what the fuck they WANT to do (I think that will be my contribution to Encore's life. He often compromises himself for the sake of others. But sometimes, you have to do what YOU want to do).That is so beautiful to me. I've really surrounded myself with  crusty  lovely people who inspire many of my actions and thoughts. But they mostly have no clue that I feel that way. Sometimes we'll talk and they will mention things like being in fucking Paris or winning a sorority competition and I find myself being intimidated almost to the verge of tears. I'm trying to find myself and I have learned so much about myself but at the end of the day, I'm really the only person that will be able to really appreciate that. I wish I was that Trey I was in high school constantly concerned with KILLING everything. KILL KILL KILL. I guess I'm not him because I have been rejected due to over-qualification from positions on campus more conducive to my nature and experience. Subsequently, I have no desire to reach for greater things. I see this as more of a low point in my life. A hump to get over.

2013: Don't you know who the fuck I am?
2014: Everybody should know who I am.
2015: Who am I?

I really have to stop fronting. I need to come to terms with certain things. Sometimes I just lay in bed and ask myself tear-summoning questions. (Even now, I'm wiping away tears as I type this)

"What really happened to Rafael and I?"
"Why the fuck can't I keep a guy? Why do they all seem to have mental issues?"
"Why was I so callous towards my dad because I wasn't willing to show me love in the way I wanted? Why did I wait so long to forgive him? And it just seemed like it was too late.."

People tell me I'm strong but I don't really have a choice. I am and always will be the protector of my friends and family...but who the fuck is gonna protect me?

Hash Towns and Thot Pride

"I seen a rainbow yesterday

But too many storms have come and gone

Leavin' a trace of not one God-given ray

Is it because my life is ten shades of gray?"

I really want to take a moment to say, R.I.P. to JQ, my coworker, Jessica's, son. If you can hear me, your mom loved you so much and I know she will be broken for a very long time. Rest in Paradise.

Jessica asked me to recite the poem I wrote for her at his funeral. I was initially mad nervous not because of the speaking in front of people aspect, but because of the atmosphere. 

It's been months and still I shed tears over someone who was never really mine to begin with...

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if Rique and I decided to be together and he kept his plan of moving here..I think I would be much happier honestly. Every single day, I question the intensity of the feelings I had have for him...Was I, Am I, or have ever been in love with this nigga?

Thinking about making up with Shai Ann.

I also found out my dad's wife bought both of her sons new cars with his life insurance money. I haven't gotten anything. I'd slash her damn tires but they would know it was me. And she also added my mom on facebook from my dad's facebook account, which is creepy as hell. She's obsessed with us.

N to the Wayz, I'm sooooo excited for Nicki on July 20th!!! Yassss. Diane is going too so it will be a weekend to remember.

Alabama was the fucking trip I needed! Any time I can spend with Jonathan, Sami, and Diane, I would do anything for. It's not often that you can find people whom you can have an amazing time with without actually doing shit. I didn't realize how much I missed Sami dude. We made sooo many memories and insiders and I'll sum it up in a couple key phrases

"It's 9:30"
"Azz Phat"
"Where's Bruce?"
"Can we go get hash towns?"
"We're going to the Booty Dome"
"Get off the bed"
"*Insert WWE impersonation*"
"It's over"
"Pink Panty Dropper"
"Jon Johnson"
"*Insert Iggy Bad Rapping Vines*"
"LEBRON JAMES"

Jon-Jon also got super drunk and was relinquishing juicy details of his life to me (much of which I already knew). The door was cracked and we thought Sami was in her roomate's room. Imagine my surprise to walk out the room and see this bitch sitting next to the door. She heard everything Jonathan was saying. I died.

Of course, there was a little bit of drama with Kristy. I had to really the middle man since I'm the one closest to all. One thing we all need to realize is that this isn't high school anymore and the rules have changed. You can't really fault people for living their life nor expect them to live it in a way that pleases you. I really wish that Brittani and Julissa would let Kristy have a backbone of her own. I'm only really speaking from what I personally have seen but it always seemed to me that they would constantly come to her defense when it came to Jonathan. Meanwhile, people like Diane and I, see and hear things but choose not to really divulge our opinions because it makes no sense to defend or talk rationally to a person who will keep making the same mistake. Sometimes you can't tell a person that fire is hot, they have to be burned themself.

Ya know, Tampa Pride 2015 was my first Pride and lemme tell ya sumtin, it was truly a day to be remembered. I went with Booz and her girlfriend whom I kept wanting to call Dej Loaf in my drunken mentality. They are such a great fucking couple ugh I was so jealous. IT was great to be in the company of people as nice and generous as I am, Booz got me tipsy she and her girl offered me breakfast and offered to buy me Wawa. Ya'll know I don't really like people paying for my shit but it's nice when someone offers.

I met up with Carlos and honestly he looks pretty aight. His butt is...*puts tongue back in mouth*. Antyways, but he's very clingy and was trying to hold my hand and shit. Nah lol. While I was standing next to him, I actually saw three boys I used to talk to soooo I don't need anyone thinking I'm taken. I eventually told him I'd catch up to him later and went to meet up with LiteBrite. He had gotten drunk by someone old sugar daddies buying him and this other boy (I'll get to that) drinks. To get to the juicy part quicker, we met this other boy who was LiteBrite's friend/ somebody he wanted to fuck (?) and this boy met up with another guy whom I have actually dealt with before. Isn't this complicating? Welcome to Gayland, everyone. Outside of Gbar, this "friend" (whose name slips my mind), actually kept making eye contact with da muthafuckin kid and even at one point had his arm around me. Jesus! I can't keep track myself! I guess I should explain that the clubs opened up around 3 after the parade and all had free entry. LiteBrite was drunk and was all over me in the club. It was okay because I was still tipsy too and no one important was in the club. We met up with his friend whom I shall call Firecracker. Firecrackers are nice to look at when they're in the sky but you have to be careful them bitches cuz they will burn the shit out of you if really try to hold on to them .

So I was aware of the fling that occurred between Firecracker and Litebrite and was not bothered in the least by being in his presence. Firecracker was not. The conversation that followed consisted of him asking all kinds of awkward questions like "Who has a bigger dick?", "Who's sex was better?". Of course I wasn't fazed but it was definitely an awkward turtle swimming in an awkward ocean for Litebrite. Nigga do you know who I am? You can never be bothered with a crown sitting on your head.

Soon after, we meet up with this guy whom I shall deem, "Encore". So Encore is Firecracker's friend who is dating another boy whom I briefly kinda sorta talked to. It really only consisted of snapchatting and kiking, nothing memorable or serious. Now, Firecracker kind of implied that there was something going on with him and Encore despite the latter being in a relationship. However, that was clearly not the case lol. We went to this Italian place for drinks and...well we were all a bit tipsy, me more than anyone (of course). We then went back into Liquid (Firecracker snuck in because he's underage).

This is what was going on. We're standing on the dance floor. Firecracker is attempting to dance with Encore and at one point it look like he was almost wrestling him off but hey maybe that was the likka in me. Litebrite is looking at Encore with intent in his drunken eyes. This boy I used to fuck with last year (who has some weird speech impediment) was trying to be all over me every 5 minutes. At the same time, I'm noticing another guy staring me down and I'm planning on how I'm going to get his number (which I did). So Firecracker's belly button started to bleed and when he went to the bathroom Litebrite and Encore were dancing with each other which I knew was going to be a problem. Encore and Firecracker left together and I left with Litebrite who proceeded to tell me how much he was into Encore on the car ride home.

Now, I know that many of you were really rooting for something serious between LB and I. But that night, I finally laid any intent of that to rest. I will never be in a relationship with him. I can't even say that I have come to accept it because that would mean it was something I want. I'm not sad or upset, but I figured that he would be a little more respectful towards me but that was not the case. Not even that but how do you go from callin me your nigga to trying to get at the next one in front of me. But I'm thankful for clarification. I'm going to try my best to keep it on a friend basis which doesn't involve my penis inside of him.

I guess I'm kinda being hypocritical because I may have been leading on this other boy named Carlos whom I mentioned earlier in the blog. I think he maybe thought him and I were something serious so imagine how he felt seeing my arm around LiteBrite..I drunkenly tried to confront him about it because he decided to dance with crusty niggas in club to get my attention. Nah homie, see the only thing that did was raise your crust percentage and you were already on the edge so I'm sorry your request for the dick has been permanently denied.

Since friday he (LiteBrite) been chilling with this nigga at least three times. I almost don't even wanna write this but I have to remember that this is for me not and not you guys. With that being said, I'm not even bothered by the fact that they're chilling, more so that he also lies to me and tells me that he's sooo busy. Clearly that's bullshit. And to see your arm wrapped up in his and him kissing you on the cheek....does something to me. I could feel the anger pulsing in my veins. Do I have feelings for him that I would like to not admit? Or is it just the fact that I don't have him in my pocket like I did before? Perhaps. I remember in high school, my (kinda sorta ex) Rashon was into Broayan Gamero and I could see them getting closer. Suddenly I felt things for Rashon, that I didn't. But as soon as I felt I had ripped him away from Broayan, it went back to him annoying the shit out of me once again and I stopped being into him. Moral of story: I don't want his ass, but I don't want you to have him either.....

Encore and I are actually becoming really good friends. He's not ugly, he can dress, and he knows how to have a good time, all characteristics of my friends. I'm really milking this because it's not often I have a gay friend that I'm not fucking or trying to fuck...actually this might be the first time. He's also the perfect mix of sophisticated and ratchet, like yours truly.

Moving on, I started talking to this boy named Todd and he left as quickly as he came. And for once, I mean that in the most non-sexual way *giggles*. Long story short, he talks about being this bad bitch and idolizes Lil Kim (Strike 1) to the point where he's uploaded whack ass rhymes to Soundcloud and even has a picture reminiscent of her iconic spread-eagle pose where he holds whatever the fuck he has between his legs in one hand and a toy gun in the other. It might just be the most crusty picture I have ever seen. If you really wanna see, you'll find it on Facebook. He also told me that he lost his job because he had been stealing money (Strike 2). Umm...what bad bitch do you know steals? Antyway, he came to pick me up and I was immediately repulsed by the cheap botox injections he had done. A part of his face resembled cream cheese honestly. I hate cream cheese......Anyway, he kept referring to himself in third person and kept talking as if he was on the radio or something. The funny thing is, he really wasn't attractive at all. Dude, his ass was so flat (Strike 3, 4, 5 and 6). I managed to leave him and meet two other guys at the club. That was dope. He clearly didn't care cuz he left my ass haha.

Remember Fabulous from the last blog? He was basically jealous of seeing other niggas on my snapchat so I deleted him from both snapchat and life.

Then there's Fredo..I don't even know about that. He's definitely cute but I'm still trying to feel him out. He's different and I'm feeling it. I'm just tryna get your attentionnnnnn *usher voice*

I've recently been chilling with this guy named Chris (Khriz). I'll keep you updated on him. I might have to slay his psycho ex boyfriend who left a gash in his hand with a knife and blew up his phone with he was with me. Then like two days later, Chris literally disappeared from my life. Gone on facebook, not answering my calls...typical.

Lastly, do you all remember back in September-October the mess that was Andy? If you don't, refer back to "Gin, Roti, and a Bed of Lies: Part 1". So recently, Andy added me back on snapchat and next thing I know, he was here at my place. We talked thoroughly about everything that had happened and for one of the few times in my life, I felt remorseful for something I had done. I wish we lived closer together because honestly, him and I have such a deep connection which is strange for me to have. It makes me crave his body, his lips, his kiss..

You know how they say money can't buy happiness? So kinda like you could have all the material wealth in the world but it wouldn't mean anything emotionally? That's kind of how I feel with men. I clearly have no issue getting attention. But all the physicality means nothing without actual emotion behind it. When they cum and they're empty...I'm empty inside.

It's crazy cuz I went to see Fast 7 with Carlos (from high school, I know way too many Carlos's) and I had this thought. He kept asking me if I wanted anything from the concession and at McDonalds and I just wanna say it's crazy that my straight guy friends treat me way better than these gay niggas.

Bye tho.