My Soul Is Troubled...

Tonight was such a waste.

I went to the lounge with Talia, Alyssa, and and Tyler and honestly it was mad fun. However, I was tempted to go next door, and I won't disclose what it was, but nonetheless I wanted to go..
HOWEVER, because I told Julisa and Cristina that I was going to Suggar's (which I really didn't want to go to) I went anyways.


 I hate going back on my word, but does that really mean I have to sacrifice my own happiness just to stay in the good graces of others?? 

I think I'm still feeling the effects of tuesday night..the image of Red and Chino still burns in my heart head. It hit me in some deep, emotional cavity in my spirit.
Is it okay if I cry now? 

I think that night represented a clash b/w my friendships and my relationships. And I now I see that I lack both. But do we?
I mean I have plenty of friends. Plenty of people who would love to hang out with me; movies, mall, whatever.
And I also have plenty of....options. I turn down dates and block numbers.
However I have no closeness of either.Only one friend I reaaallly can rely on right now and no one worthy enough to call "mine".
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I am consistently disappointed by "friends" and would-be suitors. My boat floats on loyalty. And I'm not getting much of that these days.
I love talking to Myra about these sort of things, but sometimes I feel like I'm just bothering her.
Not comfortable where I am at this point...Too many people talking in my head. Can't focus.

As I sit here in this comforting darkness, drowning in my own misery, I leave you with this final statement:
I'm disappointed with myself...for continually giving others to chance to disappoint me.