And I Can't Change...

Have you ever heard a line from a song and felt like it pretty much summed up your entire life? This one line from Macklemore's "Same Love" has been echoing in my mind...
"And I can't change, even if I tried.."

Every time I hear the song, I can feel the tears pool beneath my eyes, but there they remain, almost as if they're afraid to come out. I feel like their restrained. Wait. I totally just had an epiphany.
I feel as though I have spent my entire life restrained. I could never be the real me, and I had to watch what I did, and how I did it. When I was in middle school, I always tried to appear more masculine in order to not be called "gay" or girly. . The funny thing is, this has been occurring since elementary school, but I never actually felt any type of attraction to a male until the 7th grade. I was treated so badly sometimes by my peers, and while I know sometimes I heard things that I knew weren't meant to be hateful (it still hurt), there were many more times where I knew the point was to ridicule and make a mockery out of me.

There were times where I HATED myself. For not being interested in sports. For acting too feminine. For not being like everyone else. For not being straight...

I guess that's why I am the way I am today. When I got to high school, I promised myself no one would ever treat me like that again. (Here come the tears). I refuse to be disrespected and/or bullied. Something I learned is that if you act as though you are confident about something, no one will ever try to humiliate you with it. This meant I would put myself in crazy situations, which normal people would be embarrassed about, like kissing pigs or being a school mascot. Over these last few years, people talked about me, said some hurtful things, but not to my face. Rarely ever to my face. That was the image I had built for myself.

Recently, I had a situation with a guy named Leroy Martin, whom I worked with. I really couldn't stand him. He made every moment around him uncomfortable and even had me paranoid over what he might try to do to me next at work. He didn't like me because of my sexuality. He never had a conversation with me. He would do things such as bump and jostle me, mess with the fries when I worked that station, and even mess up orders on drive-thru to make it harder on me and appear as if I was the one not doing my job correctly. My voice was ignored several times by people who could have more than done something about the situation. It took me going off on him a few times and him irritating everyone else for somethings to actually get done. I still don't think my coworkers realize why I had so much disdain towards him, and it's because he reminded me of all those years ago when I felt bullied. In summer camp when all the kids called me "GB" for gay boy. On the bus when CeeCee always asked me why I acted like a girl. No need to continue.

I hate when people say being lgbt is a choice. Why would one choose to be generally unaccepted and dare I say it, hated.

Anyways, tonight was okay. I went to dinner with friends at Applebee's , which I really don't like to eat at by the way. It was the culmination of what I've really been feeling for a while, like an outsider. When I with Diane or Rafael or Jonathan or Kristy or Brittani or any combination of us (lol) then I feel great. However, when others get involved, I feel like I'm just there, and find myself fighting for some freaking attention. There were a few times when I was talking tonight and then I just felt like no one was listening. Or somebody interrupted me like I wasn't even talking. Yuleidy does it all the time and it really freakin annoys me. Anyway,    when Rafael is with his clique, sometimes I forget were even best friends because idk I just don't feel comfortable around them. That's not his fault though. They're all straight and they often say things that I consider offensice but I mostly dust if off because its "straight-talk" (things straight people say in regards to LGBT that is more offensive than they realize). One of them made a remark tonight that I really was like "Hold up, what is that supposed to mean?" at. And no, not the Zozo comment.
Sometimes I wonder

Okay I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
Don't be afraid to comment.

Let's Glow.

Something about being sick makes me malfunction. Today I felt myself coming down with a sore throat , and having to talk to customers for 4 hours non-stop didn't help. Their orders kept drilling into my head. 6-piece nugget, small fry, sweet tea...things I just can't seem to get out of my mind. It's like hypnotism but at least I didn't have to take orders outside. Thank you Jessica.

This blog post features: Charlie, The Forever Dreamer, Joseline, and Mr.Mental. 

So I saw Spongebob at the club on friday night. Spongebob had a friend and for my readers' sake, that friend shall be called Patrick. Now some of my readers will know who is who and what is what, but if not, then it's not for you to know. Some things should be left unexplained. Anyways, Spongebob came in and we danced but when It started going too far, about Chino. The response I got was : " I'm done with that. I'm not going associate with someone that pretends like they're going to kill themself."

 I kept dancing. I felt lips rub onto mine, but I denied. I couldn't. Not because I felt like I would be a hypocrite, but because someone elses trash, definitely isn't Trey's Treasure. I got Patrick's number tho ;). It was a huge confidence boost, however the one I wanted,was not the one I got...

Its just funny, and not "haha" funny, but like ironic funny, that I told Chino that he wouldnt like it if I kissed and danced with his ex, and then the opportunity presents itself.
I always have the last laugh, remember that. 

The next day I tried to start some isht by posting on Spongebob's wall. Chino probably saw it, you're much too easy to manipulate. Later that Night I was with Julisa, and as I walked in , Chino was with another guy.!! What the actual heck dude!? YOU'RE ONLY 16!!!!

And idk how April and Julisa can do it. I could never force myself to tolerate someone annoying as him staying at my place as they like. Maaaaan. Justin has to be checked. I checked him. He doesn't try me like that. I always say all it takes is for you to go crazy ONE good time. Let him knooooow!

Anyways, Chino texted Julisa about how I was with Spongebob (or shall I say he was with me?) and wouldn't tell her how he found out. You little scalawag. He takes too many liberties and comes with too much drama. Relax.

Besides that I've just been vibing. Been realllly thirsty since the club and I still don't think my body has fully recovered. Caught a sore throat today but Buffy the Vampire Slayer and blogging helped me feel a bit better.  I'm going to sleep and I don't plan on waking up till March 3rd, 2018.

So besides that, I have a few questions for my readers (please comment).
1) Would it be wrong to kiss someone's ex if that person is no longer your friend? If not, at what point does it become wrong?
2) What have you ever done in your lifetime that made you feel alive?

I leave you with this thought: You know that person that you secretly can't live without? You may or may not even be in L-O-V-E with this person. Now imagine that someone feels that way towards you. But you'll never know it. 

Over and Over Again..

I thought you were dead and I almost started crying.

As I much as I keep saying I want nothing but to hurt you in the most painful of ways, that's not entirely true. You're already hurt, and while I want to help you, I refuse to become entangled in your web of lies, exaggeration, and drunkeness. The only way I can help you, is by doing nothing. I'm alot of things, but I'm no bully. You come with alot of problems. I'm tired of that, I'm tired of your name, I'm tired of you.

*Goes to kitchen and gets oatmeal raisin cookie*

And I hope I'm not soundin too desperate, I need love and affection..

As I lay here, I gaze up at my own personal solar system (glow-in-the-dark stars plastered all over my ceiling) and I think of how space is much like life. Life is so vast (much like space) that anything could happen at any given moment. We make thousands or choices everyday (like choosing to inhale or even choosing a mcdouble over a mcchicken) Sorry for the work references. Anyways, these actions have thousands upon thousands of equal reactions. The meat on the mcdouble could have been taken off the grill too early and the next thing you know, you have food poisoning, or as I like to say, a serious case of the "runs". Existenstialist views say that getting  food poisoning would be YOUR fault, for the decision to eat it was yours. Again, I digress.

Somewhere out there is someone waiting for me....

Danger of Danger..

Hello Treymates ;)
First things first, I feel so different now that I have my ears pierced. I feel less reserved, and although it is such a juvenile thing to say, I feel cooler. And definitely more flirtatious.

Now, if ask me what I look for in a suitor. I may give you a list of things. *shrugs* But ultimately, I want someone with a nice personality, nice mind, and nice face. Three things that don't fade away so easily. And Knockout has all three. I think it is SO attractive when someone just reeks of ambition and self-motivation. I'm interested to see where this goes.

I saw Danger today. Danger has a name yet shall remain unnamed, simply because....danger. A little rough around the edges. But isn't that how we like them? Shut up, Charlie. Anyway, something about you both attracts me but at the same time, repulses me. It is evident that you take what you want, but I'm someone not used to hearing "No", so is this really going to work? Questions that answer themselves. I'll keep this and you on the backburner for now.

Van Gogh could paint my soul...

Wondering if I should tell Murph what Chino said about him that one day...
Dude. I just need to find ONE person to go with me on friday night....I know I can do it.
I feel like wearing brightly-colored tank tops and neon tractor-hats....weirdo.
Still Unhappy.

Warning...

To those 109 people that have seen my blog thus far...

This is a reminder that you will NOT understand what I am saying or who I am saying it about.
Do not TRY and understand.
The last thing I need is petty drama over something that isn't.
This is more for me to vent than it is for you to read.
In about two months, this will become uber personal. I tend to be an open book.
But just remember , you will only know what I want you to know.
I'm always 2 steps ahead, and when you think you're ahead of me, I'll be standing behind you.
That was creepy.
Okay bye.

Artery by The Forever Dreamer

You say I'm vain but you're the blood coursing through my body

Paint your transgressions on my soul

and become my eternal symbol of hope

Unreturned, this love will remain

My Soul Is Troubled...

Tonight was such a waste.

I went to the lounge with Talia, Alyssa, and and Tyler and honestly it was mad fun. However, I was tempted to go next door, and I won't disclose what it was, but nonetheless I wanted to go..
HOWEVER, because I told Julisa and Cristina that I was going to Suggar's (which I really didn't want to go to) I went anyways.


 I hate going back on my word, but does that really mean I have to sacrifice my own happiness just to stay in the good graces of others?? 

I think I'm still feeling the effects of tuesday night..the image of Red and Chino still burns in my heart head. It hit me in some deep, emotional cavity in my spirit.
Is it okay if I cry now? 

I think that night represented a clash b/w my friendships and my relationships. And I now I see that I lack both. But do we?
I mean I have plenty of friends. Plenty of people who would love to hang out with me; movies, mall, whatever.
And I also have plenty of....options. I turn down dates and block numbers.
However I have no closeness of either.Only one friend I reaaallly can rely on right now and no one worthy enough to call "mine".
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I am consistently disappointed by "friends" and would-be suitors. My boat floats on loyalty. And I'm not getting much of that these days.
I love talking to Myra about these sort of things, but sometimes I feel like I'm just bothering her.
Not comfortable where I am at this point...Too many people talking in my head. Can't focus.

As I sit here in this comforting darkness, drowning in my own misery, I leave you with this final statement:
I'm disappointed with myself...for continually giving others to chance to disappoint me.

Memories of Long Ago

He began his conquest in silence in the year 2009 AD.

 They watched as he slowly maneuvered his way up the ranks.

In the year 2010 AD, he defined himself with a name all would not likely forget, imbuing it with a reputation of power and anti-conformity. 

They attempted to cease his rise to power, but alas, they were too late.

He began his reign in 2011 AD, and was seldom opposed in the open.

They tried to mar his reputation with questions of character and sexual preference.

In 2012 AD, He is Uncrowned, yet he remains…

Chino's Big Mistake As Told By Brooklyn

Son. I had the most craziest night ever and thought I was gonna have to put hands on Chino. But I didn't.

Before Red got in the car, all Chino did was talk about how uncomfortable he made him feel and how he ain't wanna be around him and allat. Me and Julisa was like aye cool it brah, just sit back and calm all the way down....15 min later, Red gets in the car and really is quiet and despite what Chino said earlier, HE is the one who starts tryna chop it up (conversate) with Red. Okay dude. But whatever. A little fakeness doesn't stop a Brooklyn train. So once we get inside the spot, I'm noticin Chino dancin behind Red, who happens to Pinkie's ex....I was like " ayo BK, calm down, they just dancin"...but it got worse. Chino took his shirt off then well, let's just say that it was no longer just "dancin".

Julisa and my homeboy Ralph tellin me how creep he bein, and I decide I'll probably throw sum tonight. I've neva been that mad before. \
I just wanted to....

 I go outside and call Myra and she says that I shouldn't but honestly, she would. Ultimately, talking to her saved kid's life. I'm not finna let kid ruin my night son. Me and Julisa was jammin to some whack EDM then I turn around and see Red and Chino all laid up in the booth together. I turn back round and Julisa creeps over and looks then puts her hand to her mouth. I already know what she done seen. Charlie told me not to but I went over there anyways and told Chino, " Yo, you know I'ma @#&$ you up after we leave right?" And from that point on, hima nd Red didn't really talk the rest of the night. When we was in the car, I had intentions of pullin over and tellin kid, "Step out the car and take this...beating I'ma finna give you" but I didn't. Me and Julisa laughed so hard because we both knew both chumps was maaad scared in the back seat with Brianna (who smelt like "YES!". I drop Red off deciding I'ma handle him the next day (which I did) and then Brianna. Chino tried to act like he was sleep in the back. When we get back to Julisa's car, I call him out. He did nothing but stand there, and beg Myra to let him in cuz he ain't feel safe. I told him its so done b/w us.

 I ain't talk to em since. No explanation. No "sorry". No nothin. Chino you got mad problems and in that moment when you betrayed  me by kissing my ex...well let's just say now you got 99 problems and I'm every single one of em...

Firstly..

Thanks Natalie Laffterty!!! You inspired me to do this! Oh and my first post!!! Yay me!