Spring Broken

"Maybe one day I'll settle down

But for now,I'll just play around

And I'll make them feel good, that's how I get 'em

Making em all feel special,then I'll forget them

So I won't hurt,I keep a lot of them

And I love 'em all"

I had to go back and read the last blog just to see where I need to continue. The first three months of the year are always extremely busy and hectic for me. I'm sure you can see that due to the jam -packedness of my posts. And I just wanna apologize in advance because this blog deals with alot of my personal relationships between people and the resulting negativity. I'm gonna try to do these a bit more frequently so we can all experience more of the positive things in my life.

What do I see when I look into the mirror? Sometimes I see a little boy. Sometimes I see a king. Sometimes,I see a dragon. Sometimes, I see....nothing.

Before I really start, WELCOME TO MY NEW WEBSITE. It's been in the works. Check out all the new shit on here like my Trigtionary, the page about Nicki, my Alter egos all that...But you'll only be able to experience the awesomeness on an actual computer, not your smartphones.

I'm Charlie

I'm really interested in getting to know some new people, especially on campus.
Damn. I really removed maaad people from my life. Where do I even start?

It's not often that I mention family matters on the blog but there's no way I couldn't tell yall about how I started a civil war in the Canady family. To make an incredibly long story short, the female members of my dad's side decided to have a girl's day out which they excluded my sister from. OF COURSE, I had to say something. It was apologized for and though that should be the end of the conversation, it was not. My aunt proceeded to tell me that she never comes anyway and she always makes up excuses and then somehow I got brought up. I had to let her ass know, NO, my sister doesn't make excuses, she actually is doing things with her life unlike your children who are busy having three kids with different baby daddies at 22 years old, now check that!

Basically this all escalated into all ofmy dad's sisters telling me I was lying about my stepmom dad's wife and I never cared about my dad...just a bunch of bullshit. The crazy thing is that their own children were in my inbox telling me how right I was and that their mothers were "dead wrong". There's a whole lot of...shit..that has been going on for years and I huffed, and puffed, and blew that house of lies DOWN. You alienate people and wonder why they don't fuck with you? They didn't even invite me to the fish fry after my dad's wake, but talked shit about. Said I was "too good" to come to something I didn't even know about. I wrote them all a long assss letter and maybe I'll post it for you guys to read but for now, I'll just post this excerpt:

" I can remember going to Grandma Bettye’s house and usually my dad would feed Korrine and I before we arrived there. In those times, she always had something cooked but when she offered, I would always tell her I ate already. Well even then, I guess this translated into me never wanting to eat at her house, which clearly was not the case. I can even remember times where I would force-feed myself so that she wouldn’t think I genuinely didn’t want to eat her food. I also remember being over there for certain Christmases and my cousins all got cards/gifts from my grandparents yet I did not receive anything, even when my mom made sure we brought them cards at the least."

This all ended in my aunt threatening me, belittling me, and I had to block all of their asses on facebook. Remember that aunt that sent me that text message back in my blog post "All Things Go"? I told her trifling ass to never contact me for anything ever again. It's sad but that's the way love goes. This all makes me want to try ancestry . com. I also believe I'm too lightskinned to only be pure African descent so it would be cool to see what else I am made of.

I know I have publicly said many great things about Shai Ann, but our friendship has (seemingly) come to an end. I think it really was more due a lack of communication, but I'm not really interested in kissing anyone's ass. Remind yourself of my birthday happenings and how she did not really care to even partake in it, besides being too drunk to even be in the club for 15 minutes. Now, she did buy me two big ass bottles of Bacardi, but I've always said that your money and gifts are not really what I truly care about. Furthermore, I just saw it as her always spending time with Faith and Paakow, and hey I'm not mad or pressed about who you wanna kick it with. I reflect your own actions back onto you. I just noted all of it. So when (a month later) she actually did try to spend time with me, I didn't make a priority. Alot of my friends don't know this but, I actually sacrifice alot sometimes, such as taking off work even, to hang out with them. I haven't been doing too much of that lately simply because I'm focusing on my damn self. Aye, If nobody else got me, I got me. I digress. So Shai Ann basically tried to tell me I had some issue with her, and no I don't. Do you, bitch. We all live our own lives and I'm not going to get upset over whom you choose to spend your time with. Then she blew it out of proportion and I had to tell her ass to stop fucking texting me cuz she was playing on my phone. An hour later, I walk into the MSC to see her going off about (hmm I wonder what) to Paakow (her dude). I could tell she was talking about me by the look on his face when he laid eyes on the muthafuckin kid walking thru. I was not fazed in the least. I said hey to him, which I know drove her up the wall. It's whatever. She unfollowed me on everything, I didn't think it was that serious but hey, do yo thang. It's awkward because Paaks sits right next to me in my Mythology class.

Furthermore, I have also chose to end my friendship with my friends at UT. To be frank, I believe they were a little too bougie for me. The last time I really hung out with Bekah was New Years' and that was weird because I felt like she was trying to get me to hook up with her gay friend who...is not attractive to me in the least. There also was a situation where basically her other friend proved how racist he was and ya know I always say you are whom you associate yourself with. How you can claim to be this beacon of social activism when your best friend says he doesn't believe black people are attractive.

Now don't get me wrong, I may not typically be into asians, however sexy is sexy, regardless of race. And of course, everyone knows about the rollercoaster that once was Justin Pham. But to say, "I don't think Asian people are attractive." is hidden racism, because what you have said is that no matter what, If this person is this race, they are automatically not fit for me sexually. It's learned cultural bias. Would you say "I don't think blondes are attractive" or "I'm not attracted to people who live in Florida."? I didn't think so. This is just something for us all to think about.

While were on the topic, things have been kind of weird with Jose. I really feel like I have almost been forcing him to play the role that Rafael left open,especially considering Rafael and I became friends because he was dating one of my closest friends, much like Jose is doing. However, I made mention of one of my sexual exploits and he shut my ass down and ended the conversation lmfao. It's crazy because he has said some OUTLANDISH things to me, that even made me blush. There's something oddly funny about him, and I don't know what it is. He is very dope and fun to be around, but sometimes he gets in this weird funk and it makes everyone else feel uncomfortable. Generally, I think it's hard for him to understand where other people are coming from. I once was the same way. He also made a comment about me "being in his relationship" which I waved off.  I don't have much family so my friends are considered such. If you do something that upsets my friend, you have therefore upset me, which might mean I'm comin to collect that ass. So if I ever say something to anyone dating any of my friends, it's not to be in your business (by which I probably already know about and have formed my own opinion about) it's because I care and I'm trying to help your candy ass out.  But like I said, I have come to understand him as I have been getting to know him and his background which is why I pass much of it off as "Its just Jose". Life teaches us all different things,

Spring Break was great but really because I was in good company. Man, Diane and I laughed at all of our misfortune, the $10 Parking, the rain killing our beach day, and ending up in a park with drunken hoodrats at 1 in the morning. But it was just lovely. I wished that Yuly could've been there but she was in her own little funk, and I don't really know why. As "best" friends, I don't think she should be subtweeting us shit calling us flaw because you make us all look dumb. Furthermore, I never even did anything to her. If you're invited to come to something and you say you're "too tired" when all we see is you hanging out with your spanish friends at 2am when you work at 6am...then that's that. I'm not gonna be running behind you begging you to chill with us. Like I said, hang out with whom you want. The only issue is when come at me for doing my own thing too. I think I'm the only one of us that can genuinely understand where the other's are coming from when there's an issue. People will always do what they want to do.

Sometimes I question whether or not I was in love with Justin, Maniesha, and Enrique. More than anyone else, I question if I am or was in love with Rafael. Its no secret that I have said (even to him) that if I had a boyfriend he would ideally act and dress like Rafael....I don't wanna talk about this anymore. Moving on...

My roomate who happens to be nasty as fuck actually walked out his room to tell me to shut the fuck up....I looked at him like

Let's talk about sex, baby. *pauses Pretty Ricky* You know, I feel like sex should be like a dance. With that being said, I think it is so weird for your partner to verbally ask you if you want to do things during the actual act. When you're dancing, you don't say, "Is it okay if i spin you around?" nah bruh. You just do it. And if they're uncomfortable, it's something you feel because just like sex, dancing is an emotional concept, even when there are no emotions attached. Every new experience that has happened to me sexually, has happened because the other person just did it. Now everybody knows I first ate ass and it just happened because the boy just put it on me. Actually, it was UCF if you all remember who that was from last year. Anyway, yeah, he put it on the kid and I been tossing salads ever since.

So I want to introduce someone new to you all. So by now you know the damn routine. A nickname. I'll call him Fabulous. So Fabulous and I have been talking for a couple weeks and honestly, he appeals to the deeper side of me, much like Rique. In fact, he reminds me of Rique as well. Now, Fabulous isn't my physical type, he's a little skinnier than I like em. In fact, my arms wrap all the way around him when we embrace. But, he's super cute with that additional goofiness that I love, to match. I honestly was not intending on having a sexual encounter when we met, but it happened, mostly because hey, who can resist some good dick from the kid? Antywayz, it was so passionate and great honestly. On the wall, in the bed, in the shower..*adjusts pants*.

Now usually when I have ...encounters..with men, it's like as soon as I come, I come to my senses. Thanks Weezy. I be like.....Okay you can actually get the fuck off of me now. But it wasn't like that with him. Actually I took him to Beefs but we were too worn out to really even eat..

So then a couple days after I asked him when we would be seeing each other again. Now, my dumb ass thinking he gonna say some cute shit like "Whenever you want,baby" but instead he hit me with that "Idk i'll see what I can do".

The next night we talked for a couple hours on the phone and I let him know exactly what I thought of that statement. Then, he beat around the bush before telling me that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. His reasoning was that we're in two different places in life. Which is true. He is in high school, which makes this all the more stranger. He claims he doesn't have time, but all I'm saying is that if you have time to chill with your friends all the time like I know you do, then you clearly would have time for me. Nigga I don't need to see you everyday. I mean some touching and loving a couple times a week and reaffirmation of your feelings for me is all I really need. I just feel like there is something else. I feel as though I was super hot, then it wouldn't be an issue. I don't really need anymore friends with benefits, especially since LiteBrite is back in my life ( see blog posts around September). So I question, was it really that would keep you from falling for me? No one plans to be in a relationship, it just happens. I know that when I do end up in a relationship, it will be because a boy has made me so completely enamored that I have no desire to talk to any other nigga and I just start introducing him as my boyfriend. Whatever, I mean, I really am interested in him...our mental connection makes me want him physically. I wish he would just be more blunt about things so I'm not sitting in the dark. We will just have to see where it goes....I could just delete him and block him lie I do for everyone else but...I believe he is genuine and I wanna see what exactly he deserves.

Once again, I'm gonna mention my Little Secret. I seen his ass at the fair. The next day we talked about how we were going to do better concerning each other but once again, he actin up. I've never been so giving and understanding of anyone in my life. But I think the age difference is just too much both legally and mentally. I'm just gonna leave at friendship because just is too immature in both thought and action. He has alot of learning to do unfortunately those are lessons he will have to learn from someone else.

Remember Josh whom I mentioned last post? Yeah. Had to dust that nigga off. He had the nerve to be on snapchat with ..someone who is known by the Gay whore of Lee county. Nigga that's not your man, that's everybody man. But yo, do you, I'll be busy doing someone else.

The boys I've been talking to...Robbie, Angel, Ben, Carlos, Adrian.....there's just nothing special about them...I've been entertaining alot but I'm done wasting time with commoners. I need my King, as he needs his. Sometimes, I just sit back and think of how one day I will someone: "I was always yours to have..."

There's a boy on campus that I'm really interested in. He makes it so hard to get his attention though...

They think I love em, but I love 'em all....