"It's better to love and lost than to never have loved at all
If that was true I wouldn't be drinking this alcohol
Every relationship failed to take a toll on you
If that was true I wouldn't be drinking this alcohol
Every relationship failed to take a toll on you
Especially when you had hoes and area codes on you"
The first thing I want to reiterate to you all is that I actually don't give a flying, swimming, or crawling fuck if you get offended by my blog. You will not have any control over any aspect of this blog. If you feelin froggy,
Secondly, I hate posting blogs such as this one because it is filled with SO much negative energy. But it has to written. Hopefully you all take away from this. Know that you if you're making moves and you're bossed up, these niggas and these bitches can't talk to you any type of way. And when they do, go crazy on that ass.
Thirdly, I'm going to have my own domain hopefully by the next blog post. This means that it will be .com instead of .blogspot.com, the only thing stopping me is the name. I'm thinking TheyAllBowDown(dot)com or maybe keep TheGospelAccordingToTrey, I'm open to ideas. You guys used to leave comments (mostly anonymous) but not anymore. I think that's because the 10% of you that actually know me in person are comfortable reaching out to me directly and the rest of you don't know what to say, don't know you can actually leave comments or don't speak that much English. Shoutout to my Russian readers.
But yeah, you can leave anonymous comments at the bottom. Go forth.
Lately I've been spilling little secrets about how I write my blog in every post. Let's continue that.
What you need to know is that most blog posts for me take about 2 weeks to a month to write. However, I do not write these blogs in the order that you read it and more specifically, these things don't happen in the chronological order that you read it. I don't mind people asking me about things I blog about, but 1) don't come at me disrespectfully about it and 2) keep in mind that some tings were written two weeks ago and some things were written two minutes ago.
You guys know I live vicariously through Nicki right? So the fact that is being so publicly enamored with Meek makes me crave the same. Not a darkskin thug nigga tho. Nicki you can keep that. I'll take a lightskin anyday. My perfect physical type would be a mixed boy who speaks spanish but also knows the dietary importance of fried chicken.
A good friend of mine, Dulce, tweeted: "Being honest when it's beneficial to you isn't keeping it real" So let me keep it all the way real!
Ya know, there is no greater pleasure than allowing someone else to feel what they have made you feel. Love, gratefulness, and my favorite, pain.
Okay. Let's deal with old business.
In my last blog, I spoke about a certain group of people. Allow me to make my final and lasting comments. Over my birthday weekend, Mitcheld allowed her
Let me speak about Mitcheld. You know, if Shai-ann and I , or Karissa, or Yuly, etc, had a falling out, I would still not have anything bad to say about their character. The fact that my mind is racing through a million and one reasons as to why I should've never allowed Mitcheld to get close to me is terrifying. Moving on, if one of my friends had a problem with another one of my friends, guess what? THAT IS OF NO CONCERN TO ME. I damn sure wouldn't jump into it like some..minion. And what's so crazy is that you didn't even have the vagina to pick up the phone when the kid called you. I almost feel sorry for you. And I know what it's like to be infatuated with someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck about you no matter how hard you want everyone to believe that. The only difference is I was never delusional about it.
So let me say this. I've realized that this is just not going to work because I'm too much of an individual to fuck with people who are not. I'm not comfortable hanging out with people who 1) talk about each other and 2) wouldn't know how to be good friends if they took a 3-credit class for it. I love Janice and think she is so bad. Ainka is okay too. Andres and the guys are aight too. Kimmy is wonderful besides the time she lied about going to get food. But I probably won't be associating with them. Damn, I wish they knew what people say about them. It's crazy when people have a full conversation about how shitty you are in your own house.
Hmm. Banished. GUARDS!
Moving on to more important things, my birthday was a fucking BLAST! I got a hotel that ended up costing me only $358.00 (it was a four star). But honestly, I would've preferred a Holiday Inn or something because the Wifi would've been free and the parking as well. But hell, maybe that's just me being ratchet. The club thursday was so great! It happened to be Nicki Minaj themed, how fucking coincidental!!!! Anyway, just as awesome was friday night with the exception of Christina with her horsehair and bullshit. I'm lowkey salty that I let it get the best of me but its whatever. I am so appreciative of Sam who made time to see me. It's kind of crazy how he's Bekah's friend and she didn't even come see me. I was literally a 2 minute walk away from you all weekend. But like I say all the fucking time, we make time for what we want to make time for.
Yo. I was soooooo impressed with Racheal, Karissa, and Rachel. They really put in the effort and we're there for most of the craziness. Although I'm a bit sad that Racheal came all this way and we didn't even go to Ybor.
But forreal, props to muthafucking Killa K and Crustay-Jose, I swear it wouldnt've been the same without them. Out of anyone, I really thought and expected Shai to be there but like I said, we make time for what we want to make time for. No shade.
The biggest props goes to Sami Soisson, whom I love with all my heart. She actually saw this poster that I briefly retweeted like 3 months ago and spent forever looking for it and eventually found it and sent it to me along with more money that she didn't need to. The amount of effort that went into that really leaves me floored. I would drop anything to do whatever she needed from me because that bitch is one hell of a friend!
And to let everyone know, If I invite your crusty ass to something, and you say you're busy, then I better not see you on snapchat chilling with your other friends. Instant delete from life.
One thing I need to do is to make it harder for me to consider people friends. I use that word too loosely and to no avail.
I spent this last weekend with Diane and honestly it was so needed. With both her and Yuly, I start to doubt our friendship the longer we're apart but as SOON as we're with each other, I remember why no one could replace either one. This weekend with Diane was nothing short of amazing. I got to see and spend time with Deja whom I love with all my heart. I had to spill all this tea to her and we got drunk (duh), which of course led to me walking around campus with this skinny boy named Elio. We only kissed but the conversation we had was amazing because he is just as weird as I am. He wanted me to come back but look, I'm not trying to fall in love with you, too much on my plate already Anyway, Diane and I saw 50 Shades of Grey and it makes me want to try out handcuffs, whips, all that shit. You might find that experience in my next blog. So we did some shopping and went to Olive Garden where this waitress actually kept giving me everything except what I asked for. We met back at the hotel with Rodney and his friends. I was very annoyed how 1) it seemed like they already had their own agenda despite being there for Diane's birthday and 2) Rodney's friend actually open-mouthed my fucking bottle of Mango rum. Even Diane's mom noticed. And let me not mention how someone used my washcloth. We spent the rest of the weekend fucking around really, I wish we could of done something the next night but everyone seemed so tired. I got tipsy and blew up balloons and left rose petals everywhere. Diane is actually my sister, I'm convinced of it. I love that girl so much and no one really deserves the title of best friend like she does.
Now for the hard part. The best way to describe what I feel right now is to describe it as an open, yet healing, wound. In my last post, I detailed my paradise trip with Carwash and all of the feelings I had since acquired. Writing this is so hard. Long story short, (mostly because it hurts to go over it) I saw pictures someone posted online of him and his ex. Turns out they spent a weekend together. Turns out they did things which he assured me wouldn't happen again. Turns out the ex proposed to him. Pause. Why does this always happen to me? You know, I have not listened to Grand Piano from Nicki's newest album all the way through until a couple days ago. One lyrics has been echoing in my head ever since, "Am I just a fool?"...and that's exactly how I feel. Now that my mind is clear and emotions are somewhat clear, I know what I'm mad about. Now I wasn't expecting me to come back and for us to have this long distance relationship or whatever going on. I'm not even upset about him sleeping with his ex. For me, its the principle. You LIED to me, assured me that you wouldn't have anything to do with him. All the while, you KNEW you had this trip planned with him and your friends the weekend after I left. I'm so uncomfortable with you being inside me one week and in him the next. Knowing what all we talked about, you had to have known that I would feel some type of way especially catching that shit on facebook and not from you. All weekend I was trying to talk to him only to find out that his time was being consumed by his ex.
And what do I look like? To my friends and your family. A whore. Your whore. I just don't get it. I don't get why he doesn't get it. For a week and a half, I was in your life. It was domestic life. And all of sudden...nothing. I have always had crazy feelings for you. I think I will have full closure when I find out where you end up moving to. If you move to California, we both will be happier. I guess I just want you to say you have the same feelings for me or no, you don't. But you won't say either. Is that because you don't want to hurt me? Is that because you don't want to hurt yourself? Is that because you don't know?
Fast forward another week: He's wearing the ring his ex gave him. Sitting here next to Diane on my way to Tampa typing this, I can honestly say that I'm so over him and it altogether. He actually had the fucking nerve to tell me "Hey well if it doesn't work with him, then you'll have your shot"
Do I even have to tell you all how I reacted to that? I gave him a mouthful and not in a good way. I come second to no one.
Maybe I don't need someone like me. Maybe I need someone that thinks like me.
Now I've kind of been talking to this boy named Carlos but something about him....I don't know. Something about him really just puts me off. He's so kind, genuine, all that. But he is trying to really jump into a loyal relationship RIGHT NOW, and ummmm I can't really just be with anyone. Emphasis on anyone. N to the wayz, Carlos lives in Tampa, is two years younger than me, and is still in high school. We had phone sex, which was a little more awkward after I came. I kind of feel as though I'm leading him on simply because I can't really promise him anything right now. Idk, I'd rather us just talk and get to know each other rather than go right into something serious. I won't dedicate myself solely to anyone who is not my boyfriend and that's that.
There was this little idiot named Cristian whom I immediately dismissed as being a leeching whore. Long story short, I had to tell that nigga to lose my number REAL quick, cuz I don't be fucking with community dick. But aye, it was good while it lasted. All 15 seconds.
So interestingly enough, Terence and I hung out a couple days ago, I already regret. De todos modos, We went to hookah with this boy named crusty Joshua. Okay so he's lowkey really cute even with his...accent lmfao. The night was lowkey great. Those two were lowkey tipsy and we ended up at this girl Dez's house. Dez is 28 with no job an dno life really. That was weird. The whole time there was such a wtf moment. We got there and there was actually blood on the ground. I'll sum up it up in three words: Awkweird, Incestuous, and of course, crust-filled. Then I was lowkey trying to leave because it was 4:30 and I had to be up for work at 8am, We left Joshua's car at McDonalds so when we were about to go get his car, Terence made the mistake of saying McDonald's out loud, which needless to say, is enough to attract the attention of anyone who has left the domain of Mary Jane and entered the realm of Munchies. So, of course, our new friend who may or may not be carrying on a sexual relationship with his sister invited himself, This meant I had to come back. All I could do was laugh. I didn't get home til like 6.We all met back over there a couple nights after and long story short, Joshua came onto me and we kissed, But it was a little more than that. He was holding me and telling me that he was only thinking about me.
Well that's all fine and dandy. I didn't feel bad knowing that originally he was trying to talk to Terence because 1) Terence never will have the pleasure of being called a friend of mine and 2) it was clear that as soon as Joshua met me his attention was on me. Anyway, the next day, Terence found out (not that it was secret) and asked everybody about it but me lol. Joshua and I were going to hang out until Terence tried to be sneaky and have Dez's dumbass call him over. So you know my ass slid over there too. Terence got there and was being shady, of course, I wasn't having it because all three of them were being fake and so I let them know. Then Terence thought it would be okay for him to tell me to stop talking and so the kid invited him make me. We didn't come to blows because Dez big ass got in the way and I wasn't trying to chop that tree down in her own house. All I know is when I threw Terence ass up against that wall he ain't never been more afraid in his life. And guess what? Now I would never fight over a man especially one that I'm doing better than, it was the issue of being disrespected and this kingdom is ruled with an iron fist.
Of course Josehan's absent-minded self tried to come at me about it and all I'm saying is that "makeup" you put on your face to look half as good as me is clearly fucking up any of the braincells you have left if you really think you have any chance of standing up against me. Dismiss yourself. That's exactly why I left your ass hanging when you came to Tampa
I don't talk to none of them mofos anymore anyway. BLOCKEDT. Even Joshua because anybody who has recently slept with Askia isn't coming anywhere near this good-tasting brown sugar. He also is very flaky and superficial. I just think they all have mental issues.
And finally, there is still my little secret. You know, I've decided to stop letting his age interfere with how I feel about him. He's cute as hell. I remember first seeing him at the rave. I couldn't keep my eyes off of you....Physically, he's my type, short, latin, and thick in the right places. But more than anything, I love talking with that loser. He's so innocent and tries to play hard-to-get. I've only just thought that maybe he's more into me than I initially thought.....Honestly, he's the one I'm feeling the most and the way I talk to him is way different than anyone else. Alot of that has to do with the fact that he is not easy and will not allow me to smooth-talk and charm my way into his heart.
See the thing with both him and Carlos, is that when you're in high school, "talking" to someone means only that person. Where as out here in the real world, its perfectly okay to be in the process of getting to know more than one person. So they get upset when they see me hanging out with other dudes.
Ultimately I don't have to prove myself to anyone because I am the catch. I keep finding myself with men who seem to think I should be chasing them and well, no. If you prove to me you're worth my love and more importantly, my time, then you will have it.
If you're going to stand with me, then fucking be with me. And yo, if you got my back, have my back. But if I have to question where you stand, then your ass shouldn't be standing around me at all.
And may heaven help you if you dare stand in front of me.
I like to look at all of our lives as books. We are all books. We have chapters and specific writing styles, but more importantly, we have themes, motifs, and recurring symbols. One major motif of my own "book"is this: I feel that I give love more than I receive love. I give so much from my own plate that I have nothing left to eat. Well, now i'm starving.
Goodbye
