"'Cause my heart starts beating triple time,
with thoughts of loving you on my mind.
I can't figure out just what to do,
when the cause and cure is you."
DUDE MY BIRTHDAY IS IN A WEEK AND I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M DOING YET WTF
I really want one of my friends to throw me a little get together with like 5,378 people and as many bottles but..idk. Every year I end up splurging for myself because no one else besides my mom really gets me anything or tries to do anything for me. I think a small part of that is that everyone knows that I do indeed have many friends and they just assume that someone else will do something for me. But honestly it's whatever. I always plan my own shit, spend my own guap and at the least, I'm thankful that got it like that, to do it like that.
And also alot of it comes from me not letting people be nice to me. Alot of when you ask me something, I'll always say no. Last year the size queens asked me if I wanted them to pay for anything and I said no. I'm really the type of person you have to just DO for because I'll never agree if you ask. When I was with Carwash, I tried to give him money to get sum bottlez but he actually just got out of the car and ignored me. Similarly, when I didn't want to really talk to anyone during my Dad's passing, Onyeka was one of the only ones who was like "No, you're gonna talk to me." And I really needed that.
Antywayz, let me explain the title. I feel that the death of my father (RIP), has brought forth a new Trey, the old Trey. Over the last 6 months I've been very emotional, and not the distant, heartless tyrant that you all know and hate to love. But I feel more like myself than I have been feeling. I just don't care what anybody gotta say like it's time to do me, make mad moves, and retain my title as King. Now which one of yall niggaz gon check that???
Oh and my title also has to do with me going to a foreign place, experiencing romance, and being rejuvenated, much like Stella herself.
So someone I mentioned a couple posts ago asked me not to mention them again. And you know what? I really wanted to say fuck you. Because you read one fucking post out of 242,834,355 and what's crazy is that I never said your last name or said anything bad about you. My blog is an extension of my life, and even if you don't understand why, just understand that. I blog my thought and the events in my life so if I don't mention you, I can't accurately record the event for me to look back on. So what's the point of you even being in my life?
While I'm on the subject of that, I really wanna divulge to you the feelings I have been having towards some of my "friends". Back in like October (?), I befriended Onyeka and her friends. I've really gotten to know some of them but...where am I going with this? Being in NY, gave me time to thin about things. I really love Mitcheld and Onyeka. This is all stemmed from who I was gonna invite to my Birthday thing. It's gotten to the point where I don't even see them as individuals. Even when they first came across my blog, they didn't like it as a group and had negative things to say about it, but individually...nothing. Except Christina, who ignorantly asked me "Why do you even have to blog?" And during that time, there were alot of "Well the group didn't like this." and "The group thought this..", and it was almost like I had to please the group instead of be myself which is incredulous.There is a very weird dynamic and I don't care to go into detail about that, honestly. Don't get me wrong, they are great people. But sometimes they are so inconsiderate, and when they're together, alot of enabling occurs. Remember when I told you all about the card game when I first met Christina? And she was acting a damn fool? Yet, none of her friends really checked her? And a couple people tried to lowkey warn me and didn't get it until now, really. I guess it really hit me when Shai joined me and she saw exactly I had meant without me telling her. And the fact the a couple of them had gotten in her face over the music when it wasn't that big of a deal. I look back and wish I would've said something in the moment but I know that would've been nothing short of chaotic. Because I'm a dungeon dragon.
I'm sincerely appreciative of the fact that the people I'm close to, don't talk bad about behind me back. Shaaaaaaaade.
While I'm on the subject, I haven't really spoken to Bekah lately. Things were a bit awkward and that was because of the weird combination of people. I personally felt like some things were a little too much for me and definitely Julisa, but to each their own. The one thing I really was bothered about was her friend that wasn't even there. I was snapping people on her phone, he texted her asking who it was. Out of drunkeness/playfulness, I said "Do you think he's cute?" to which he dubiously replied, "I'm not attracted to Black men." Now, isn't that ignorant? I actually would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. To me, fine is fine. It's lowkey racist to say you aren't attracted to a group of people based on color. Sometimes I joke and say, "I'm not really into vanilla buuuuut...." but I mean, I would never actually dismiss someone because they were white. Attractive people come in all colors, really. What's crazy is that the boy in question actually had nothing nice said about him when I was at Bekah's birthday party. And I still tried to be nice and not let others' opinions affect mine, even when he was being a complete killjoy at the same party. I do miss Queen Bekah, Sam, and Tess. I hope I see them soon...
Just to balance out the negativity, I just wanna give props to a certain Dominican nigga I know. Jose is a cool ass dude, who also happens to send me crusty snaps but whatever. I lowkey wish I had known him before he dated one of my besties because it might be a bit awkward for us to hang out just as guys without K-Money.
Its Trigga Trey, slaying wit Killa K!!!
Let's get to the juicy part.
Without much planning or forethought, I jumped on a plane to Buffalo, NY to spend 10 days with a gentleman whom I will call Carwash. I'll call him that because back in the day (Sophomore year of high school) he worked at a carwash and that was when I first really got to know him. HE was already out of school btw. Long story short, he ended up being my first. Yes, he revoked my V-Card. Broke the seal. Popped my....you get it. Thus beginning my long life of whoredom and slutship.
Let me say this: I have never felt as strongly for anyone (with MAYBE an exception for MJ), as I do for him. I think alot of that has to do with the challenge. Everyone wanted him. Even to this day he is so fine.
It's so crazy because he'll say things like "I'm pretty sure the only reason you want me is because you think I'm cute but you know I annoy you". But honestly, it has so much more to do with his personality and our chemistry. I feel like no one really gets me likes he does. And in many ways, we share alot of the same passion for things and we definitely are both self-motivated. We both have the ability to excel in any situation; to be social chameleons. We adapt well and that's also because we can mold situations, or at least our perceptions of them.
What's even crazier is how when he dropped me off at the airport and drove off, I felt something inside me...drop. I actually felt like all of my organs kind of just..dropped. I was hit with a brief bout of extreme sadness and the kid had to keep himself from tearing up. I don't know what I feel for him...but I feel.
But see one thing remains the same: I've never known what the context of our relationship was/is. Way back when, I had the same strong feelings for him and that prevented me from being successful with someone else. He uses words like "friends" and "fuck buddies" but holds my hand in public and spends all day dwelling on the fact that he fell asleep on me while I was talking to him. But see, I don't match the "type" of his boyfriends before. And his last one, I truly believe he is still in love with him even though he won't admit it. Our future remains unclear because I have no idea where he will move to in a couple months. I really want him to move back to Tampa because that gives me unlimited access to the D, ya know?
And now, at 3:16 AM, I sit here and wish I could really just open up to him and tell him exactly how I feel. How I can't fall asleep because I'm used to the heat radiating from his tight, Latin bod. How I wish that I could have that kiss in the morning when he goes to work. How I want feel the excitement that comes when I hear him coming back through the door. How I long to press my face into the nape of his neck and inhale his scent. How I desire to once again feel the rush of sexual invigoration that comes when we lock pupils while I feel his thick member pulsing inside me. How I wish....you were mine.
But at the same time, I won't be anyone's fool. I can't be that guy anymore.
You know in high school I showed alot of determination in progressing, but since I've been in college, I've shown that same determination but as a force behind something else. Freedom. I have finally lived MY life and 2015 will bring me nothing but success. Even if only I see it....
Well I think I've addressed everything....get out of my mind, now.
Oh and I'll be 20 the next time you hear from me...
