All Things Go: Part 1

"When it's real, feelings hard to conceal

Can't imagine all the pain I feel

Give anything to hear half your breath 

I know you still living your life, after death"

This is Part 1 of 2. I promise in part two, things will be more positive.

I honestly don't even know where to start. This will be my last post in 2014 and it sucks that I have to end it on such a sour note. What's even worse is that the first event of 2015 will be my father's funeral.

Yeah. Many people who know the kid, did not know that my dad has been battling meso-pharyngeal cancer for the last 9 months. It is pretty much a shock to many of my friends because most people know me to be very (at times,too) open. But it is very rare that I actually open up about my family and many of the deeper issues that lie within myself. And that, readers, is because I am truly afraid of my own emotions.

I've been trying to live life as normal and keep myself busy because the moment when I stop and think about all that's going on will be the moment I lapse into insanity. Its somewhat comical to see how people have been approaching me about it. I can tell that many of you don't really know what to say or how to say it. Love ,for me, is an action word. I really have appreciated those of my friends whom have taken time to spend time with me. That is really the best thing you can do for me right now. I don't want to be alone.

I have had some great moments with my close friends over the break thus far but I really have to speak about this particular person. You know, One of my biggest fears it to be vulnerable both physically but mostly emotionally. People have been texting me, asking me how I'm doing, and there have been times where I say, "I'm fine." with tears and snot running down my face. I think that people are so used to me being the "protector", the "overseer", that me breaking down is such a taboo thought to them. In general words mean so little to me, so when it comes to being there for me, actions speak louder than words. Because really, we all remember moments rather than conversations. And really one of the only people in my life that understands that is Sami. She told me would pick me up and told me she was treating me to rib city and a movie. This is where that whole vulnerability things kicks in because I usually hate people paying for me and I usually drive people everywhere (when I'm home and not in Tampa). Because she was willing to really do that for me, said alot to me. It says that she cares. It says that she knows me well enough to know that if she asked, I would not have agreed to that. For me to be able to feel vulnerable around her, and be okay with that, is refreshing to say the least.

Also have to say that people like Rachel the Jew and Brittani, who have actually been texting my ass every damn day, make me smile. It's almost annoying, but not in a annoying way. More like, "Damn you really won't leave my ass alone but I know it's because you truly care about me and actually appreciate that."

For me to sit here and explain all that has transpired between my dad and I in the last couple years it would take multiple posts and a whole heck of alot of explaining. Basically, my father cheated on my mother and married his mistress. She was very phony to my sister and I , and I always felt that she did not truly like us. Of course, my dad was oblivious. I first approached my dad about it in the 6th grade. My step-sister came to visit and was treated much better than my sister and I. But of course, my dad dismissed my claims and accused me of seeking attention. In my sophomore year of high school, my dad had a conversation with myself, my mother, and my sister, in which he told us that his wife told him that she didn't like us in an argument and that he was going to divorce her. Fast forward, he didn't end up divorcing her. They moved back with each other and my dad just seemed to forget what she had said about us. In an argument, my dad told me never to ask him for anything ever again, which left me crying in the fetal position at my grandmother's house at the age of 16. And so, ever since that day, to this point, I have NEVER asked him for anything.

Things kind of became a bit better in my senior year, however  I grew accustomed to not really having him in my life for those two years that it was hard and annoying to try to put the pieces back. Then I came out. And that didn't really help. He wasn't nearly as supportive as my mother and actually tried to tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about. The summer before I moved to Tampa, we all went into counseling in which my dad refused to really be a good sport about it and excluded his wife which made the situation worse. He also denied saying that she said she didn't like us which left all of three of our mouths on the floor.
A few other things happened, but ever since then, I really have not made extreme effort to talk to my dad. He has tried to reach out to me time and time again, but I just could not forgive him, for choosing her over us, over and over again. As for her, I still will never forgive her for what she has done and the rift caused in our family. Never.

So you can imagine how conflicted I felt when I found out that he had cancer. Was I supposed to just let go of everything and be there for my dad? I never once questioned my father's love for his son. And I have always loved my dad, but hated some of the things he has done, things which will impact every relationship I ever have forever. It were these thoughts which kept me from seeing my dad regularly over the last year, in addition to my extreme fear of death and dying. I felt that to many of my family members, this translated into me not caring about him, especially because I almost never posted anything on social media about my dad compared to their 30 posts a day.

Speaking of which, I feel that my dad's death has really driven me farther away from his side of the family. Anything I ever knew that was going on with my father, I found out from social media besides ONE call from my aunt about 2 months ago. I also found out my dad had passed away via facebook before my mom was able to tell me, which is actually terrible.Besides that, I can see that some of my family has been acting funny around me. I've heard things were said about me. I don't care. But I do care that no one has actually taken the time to ask me and get my side of things. Half of them don't even know that I don't like my dad's wife. So, I feel like a black sheep.

My family has also excluded me from funeral arrangements. Why? I have no clue. Even after death, my father's wife has managed to be completely evil. And my family is enabling her.

I won't be petty. Thank you, Lisa.

At time where I am supposed to feel loved, I have never felt more alone. I am deeply hurting. People keep sending me words...what are they? Words don't change anything. Please just don't let me be alone. I've always felt so alone.

But all that truly matters to me is that I have made peace with my dad. In a conversation we had on wednesday, he told me "Be Trey". Now, no one knows this because I have NEVER EVER verbalized this to anyone but I have always felt like a disappointment to my parents. This is mostly because of my sexuality and my refusal to pursue basketball dreams that everybody BUT me had for myself. Somehow, my dad read these deepest thoughts because he then said, "I am not ashamed of you. I love you." And in that moment, I forgave him. I forgave him for everything. Though he didn't always show it in the way I would have wanted, I know that my dad always loved me. I last saw him the day before he passed. He was unresponsive. I had an entire conversation with him and he did not say one word or even open his eyes until I said "I love you". He then snapped back into consciousness and said, " I love you, too." and snapped right back into unresponsiveness.

Those were the last words I heard my father say.

Trojan Whores

"Let me make this clear I'm not difficult, I'm just about my business

I'm not into fake industry parties, and fake agendas

Rock with people for how they make me feel not what they give me

Even the ones that hurt me the most, I still show forgiveness"

Because your bitch ass won't recognize the lyrics, let me learn ya somethin right fast. They're from a song off of Nicki's new album (duh) called "All Things Go". In the song, she speaks about her relationship with SB, how she blames herself for her cousin being killed, and about her miscarriage 16 years ago. It really is a deep song, almost feel like its me but I can say that about alot her songs. But these lyrics, especially, really describe me, I feel. Most of you will agree. 

She better get this Grammy for Anaconda. Like forreal, there has not been a bigger rap song. 

I really enjoyed the time I spent with both Diane and Yuly. According to the gospel of Trey Canady, chapter 3, verse 35.4, true friendship is defined by being able to cry without provocation, laugh without jokes, shout without judgment, and dance without music. I really appreciated them looking out for me, even when others didn't. 

Fucking finals week. I always get annoyed around this time because everyone loses they're fucking minds. Trey logic in 3...2...1..So if you have taken notes, paid attention in class, and done your assignments throughout the semester, then why the actual fuck do you needs to spend 12 hours in the library each day  everyday (Yikes "each day"...the KitKat coming out of me)?

It was so nice when Theresa asked me to dinner. When people do that, I almost always say yes because that is SO flattering that out of everyone, they wanted to hang out with me. I've watched her bloom into a lovely , awkward, pale, sunflower. We really did have a great conversation about some things that I felt only I had noticed and the chinese food was on point!

When my friends let me see their boobs and ass >>>
I think people forget I'm very much everything-and-everyone-sexual so I'm enjoying rubbing ya titz just like any other nigga. The kid ain't complainin tho.

I hate people who are emotional drunks. Well I don't really do emotions and you bitches know that. Like I'm just tryna have a good tiiiimmeeee you over here in ya feelinnnzz....and the dragon ain't feelin it.

Diane and I spotted Brittani in the Mall on Black Friday and it honestly was the most awkward situation. I love her, yes, always will (I think). But, the shit over the summer just doesn't sit right with me and I question whether I care enough to really mend things. "Sorry" doesn't mean you can just keep repeating the actions for which you apologized. All things must come to an end, sooner or later.

Last night I went to a hotel in downtown Tampa for my bitch Bekah's birthday. It was definitely interesting to say the least. You know, I've realized that I have this sort of, biological mechanism for when I'm intoxicated. When I'm drunk, I'm consciously aware that I'm drunk so when I'm around people I don't know well, I keep repeating to myself  "Sit down and shut up. And whatever you do, do not touch anyone". It kinda worked last night. I went walking with Bekah and her friends Sam and Jonathan, both of whom are into dingalings and bumholes just like yours truly. They're both quite attractive but I honestly feel like anyone at UT would be way out of my league. I'll explain that comment in the next paragraph. Antywayz, I felt myself putting my arm around them multiple times and I really had to chill because I was in that mood. I ended up smoking a swisher sweet which was strange because I actually hate cigarettes and the smoke kills my allergies but apparently not when I'm intoxicated. I also peed in several places including on a basement door of a church on the street and in the hallway of the hotel. Where is my home training??

Gettin back to what I said and why I said it, it just seems like all of the people I have met from UT thus far are....glamorous for lack of a better word. Let's take Sam into example. Everytime I see this nigga his hair is on fleeeek and I mean not one strand out of place. Now honestly, I'm not intimated by money thing or anything like that cuz yall know money ain't never nothin to the muthafuckin kid. Sin embargo, where I would pleased with eating from the lil rib shack on the corner, I don't know anything about fancy shmancy places. Shiiiiiet the fanciest place I'd go to eat in probably Red Lobster and I hope saying that doesn't make me sound ghetto or anything but then again, you know I don't give a fuck. I feel like I can't really verbalize what I actually feel but I'll sum up and say we just live on different planets.

I didn't mean to come of as judgmental so I hope that's not how anyone takes it. You know I fucks with people of all different socioeconomic classes and shit. I really blame Anthony because when we had whatever-the-fuck-we-had, he really made me feel like I wasn't shit cuz I was ratchet compared to his lifestyle.

They wanted me to stay the night so that I wouldn't have to take a cab and that would've been fine however I somehow got stuck in a bed between two straights and one of whom was audibly still spitting up vomit. I waited until everyone was mostly asleep and James Bond'd my way out of the room and eventually home. It was awkward because I didn't know them at all. Sleeping in the bed with Sam or Bekah wouldnt've worked either because I don't trust my drunk penis.

Speaking of penises, let's move on to my Love Life..

There's this boy named EJ who I actually really like but I kinda fucked it up last year because I basically was inebriated and was actin all kinds of crazy. But honestly, if you know me well enough, if you saw him, you would say "Yep, that's exactly who I could picture you with". Let's see how this goes.

I don't remember if I mentioned him last year but I'm pretty sure I would've. Anyway, I won't say his name in case anyone knows him but I also won't give him a nickname because I won't be speaking to or about him ever again. There was this guy who happens to be HIV positive. He didn't get it from fucking around, he got it from someone he loved and was in a serious relationship with. I tried to give him a chance. No I was not planning on having any sexual contact with him, protected or otherwise. But he told me he was going to take me to the park after he finished what he had to do and the nigga never hit me up all day. He got mad when I came at his throat and well whatever. Just know I'm not talking to him anymore. He's cute. Long hair, blue eyes, and skin a little darker than mine. But no one keeps King Charlemagne Zolanski waiting. Hmph.

Remember that shade I threw earlier in the post? Well that had to do with Lucas. I'm not going to explicitly say what happened but he put me in very bad situation where I could've definitely caused mortal harm to myself and others and it just wasn't cool. We talked it over and he sincerely apologized so I'm over it. But it's like Queen Minaj says, "I'mma forgive, I won't forget but I'mma dead the issue".

There's a boy named Quran who randomly hit me up on facebook. We chatted on facebook, then snapchat, then when I just got annoyed and asked for his number, He started acting like I was trying to get at him. Dafuq?! Sorry but I don't go for niggas that post videos of them shaking their ass every damn day.

This is exactly I don't act friendly to niggas.

And if ya don't know, now you know, nigga!